How do you define it?
I grew up believing that the "correct" definition of motherhood (as in the perfect and godly way) is: A young, newly married woman who produces mass amounts of children until she goes through menopause and stays at home (or on the go) with all of her children, even when they are grown and out of the house and holds no paying job outside of the home, part time or full time. I kid you not. This was my honest (and ignorant) belief. A combination of churches I grew up in, my parents' teaching, my own insecurities...whatever it was, I have been tied down to this belief and it has put unnecessary pressure on me.
When I was 20, I got married (and did nothing in between high school and marriage because I figured, "what's the point in spending money on college or searching for a really awesome job if I'm just going to stay at home with my kids.") and 9 months later (while I had a really great job) I found out I was pregnant. Surprise! "But yay! I'm being godly and doing what all women are called to do! God must be pleased with me because I'm married already and at 20 years old I'm already pregnant! Yup, I'm in His will!" Boy, was I wrong. In all honesty....although I was excited, a deep part of me felt as if my life was ending.
Before you freak out, please know that I am deeply in love with my husband and married him for the right reasons and we love our boys so very very much and I love being their mommy.
But you should also know that I hate...no, loathe.... staying at home. I have been in a constant battle with myself. I love being around people and being busy at work. THAT is (part of) who God made me to be. But isn't the godly thing to stay at home forever with my children? For some, that is who God made them to be! That is what they are supposed to do. My mom has stayed at home and home schooled us for the past 29 years and she's still going! She loves it! We always had a clean home, a nurse and chauffer on hand, cookies and 3 meals. She uses all of her talents on a daily basis and she does so (most of the time) with a smile and a hug. She spreads it out to the other kids who enter her home (and to the dogs too) and is "mom" to many.
I thought I had to be that. But I am not my mom.
I kind of hate cooking 3 rounded meals a day for all of us. I don't want to be the academic educator of my children. I want to supervise the people in my children's life and partner with people who my husband and I trust.
I am Megan. A woman who loves singing and dancing and playing music. A woman who loves art and interior design. A woman who finds great satisfaction in being busy at a task. Organizing, cleaning, talking, listening, achieving goals with a team. Getting out of my house every day. Talking to different people. Having to dress up in more than sweat pants, a t-shirt and brushing my teeth. Being a stay at home mom doesn't fit me. And I have had to realize that that doesn't make me a sinner. It means that I'm me. and God has callings and jobs for everyone. Mine is not what I thought it had to be.
I have been imprisoned by this way of thinking, that one size fits all.
My children are my responsibility, and aside from God and Jeff, they are my top priority. Which means I will spend my life praying for them, making sure they are taken care of but not necessarily by me personally, I will always seek the best options for them when they are young, and offer my wisdom as they grow. I will make sure that our home runs smoothly, even when I'm not at home. I will love them unconditionally and show them God's Truth.
I am only recently learning that it's ok to be a mom AND work outside of the home. It's a process, and has been a very sad and long and hard journey for me. But I'm so thankful that I have allowed God to show me His Truth at such a young age. That I can change now with very few regrets. That I am not harming my children by choosing what is best for our family. My children want a whole momma. My husband wants a whole wife. I want to be whole in mind, body and spirit... and staying at home is crushing me. The best thing for our family ISN'T for me to stay at home. More people need me than just Jeff, Ian and Andrew. And as I am now, doing what I was NOT called to do,..... I cannot fully do what God has called me to do. My kids have benefited from me staying at home with them. But God comes first. And He is calling me out of my house. Out of what I was taught. Out of what I knew. Out of my comfort zone.
It won't be an easy transition for any of us. My kids will have to get used to mommy not being there 24/7. And they will. But they will also know that I will be there in a heart beat if its something only mommy can take care of. My home may be messier than usual, but it's ok. I may have a hard time waking up at a certain time each day. It may be difficult for Jeff to see me more independent from him, but I know he will be proud of me. There will be so many things, unforeseen, that we will have to get used to. But I'm no longer content hiding behind imprisonment and condemnation for being different than who I thought I was supposed to be.
I am not a stay at home mom.
And that is ok...
