It's an odd allergy with symptoms that are different from your "typical" allergy.
Maybe you have it too... Let's compare symptoms:
-Fast Breathing Through the Nose
-Grown-Woman Fit Throwing (yelling, sobbing, locking yourself in the bathroom....)
-Muscle Twitching (clenching of fists, jaw tightening, tongue saying things you don't mean...)
-The Urge to Consume Large Quantities of Sweets, Coffee, or Pizza
-Growling and Mumbling Under your Breath
Obviously, this isn't an actual medical problem. (But I'm sure you could get on the internet and list these symptoms and they'd list a thousand ways you are probably dying) But it is a problem, and something I know I'm not alone in dealing with.
Part of the issue for me is that I enjoy when things are a certain way. I like to be in control and to have everything fit together, like a puzzle. Everything has a place. Organization and order are good things! But it goes to far when I start yelling because the little people (and the big one, my husband) don't do things exactly as I have ordered them to. I start having a panic attack when these little guys continually argue over toys and they seem to not even hear me (which usually means I yell just to be heard over them). Yeesh... not a pretty picture. How often is this you? Even if you're not a really organized person, the "mommy monster" can still be an issue for you. You HATE when you become this person. Guilt, shame, sorrow, condemnation... all of these wash over you as Satan whispers in your ear "You failed. You will never change. You scarred them for life."
How do we fix this? We pray, we read blogs, we vent.... but the issue seems to stay the same (or even get worse!)... These children are so precious to us. And we would give our very lives for them! They are gifts. And yet, we can be their biggest enemy! Even when we're trying to be on their side! How do we get out of this habit? How do we 'cure' ourselves?! We want to change... but where do we start...?
I won't pretend I'm an expert and am now totally cured of the Mommy Monster. But I have gotten better! And continually so! A few months ago, my mommy allergy reached it's all time worst. It was becoming a daily struggle for me to even enjoy my children. I had to change. I stopped blaming other's choices, I stopped blaming my circumstances. I stopped blaming my children.
I had gotten myself here. I had let my frustration and impatience take over my parenting.
But I didn't sit there and wallow in my shortcomings. There are moments where I still do, where I allow Satan's lies and judgment into my head. But, slowly, I am being healed. I am changing.
Instead of focusing on all of my flaws, I focused on what God wanted me to be. What God knew I could be. I love my children. I knew that much. So I decided to look at a Bible verse that I knew very well. You probably know it too:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I took each definition of what love is and applied it to how I was loving my children. Boy howdy... I wasn't showing them God's love AT ALL. I wasn't patient or kind, I was keeping records of MY own wrongs against them, I was easily angered.... so I prayed "God... Your word says that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13)... this isn't just a great idea that You put into your word, this is a promise. This is a fact. I need to stop looking to my own strength and look to Yours, God. I want to be a truly loving mother.. with my actions. I want to be patient. I want to be kind. I want what Your word says I can have and should be. Remind me, write it into my mind and onto my heart."
And God has reminded me. As I said before, I still have my rough moments. But every day I see progress. I have almost completely eliminated yelling! And all of the other areas are improving.
You are not alone in your mess. You can change. You will change. But you need to stop condemning yourself and you need to bring your mistakes to God... He will take them from you and give you a clean slate. You may mess that slate up too, but bring it to Him again and again. You will find that he always forgives. And that He will give your strength to continue to change for the better if you will just honestly and humbly ask Him.
