By that first paragraph, it looks as if I have quite a resume on "how to friend". I should be an expert or something right? Nope. I've examined my relationships. I've examined both myself and the person I am friends with. But I haven't been able to figure out why on earth it feels like constant work and competition to stay friends with anyone, no matter how much I feel like I "try". No matter how much I love the friend in the friendship.
I know that any relationship is always going to take work. Life requires action at all times. I get that. But why does it feel that a deep and meaningful friendship(s) is so hard to acquire or that having a group of buddies to hang out with is non-existent?
We know that friendship is a two sided thing. And I have very dear friends who, I know without a shadow of a doubt, love me and WANT to be friends with me and want to work on the relationship.
Maybe, though, I'm alone in the feeling that it's a constant struggle to find and keep a "kindred spirit and bosom friend" (to borrow the phrase from the book Anne of Green Gables). I'm pretty sure I'm probably not alone though.
In every friendship I have, no matter how good it is... I am constantly having an inner conversation with myself regarding the relationship with that particular person:
Do they actually like me or do they feel sorry for me? Am I annoying them? Am I interesting enough? We really are at different places in our life, maybe they wish we didn't hang out as much since we don't have as much in common? What if they find out that I'm a stay at home mom who is only 25...Maybe I won't be interesting enough anymore...(regarding someone I've just met). And a whole slew of other thoughts run through my head... it's pretty exhausting. And because of this.... I cannot relax in a relationship.
Now, there is a LOT I could go into on this subject from a biblical standpoint, but I'll save that for another time.
I've shared all of this so that I could now tell you how I am fixing this problem for myself.
I knew that I had to examine my own self and my own actions.. I need to make sure that I am being a good friend. I need to be selfless. I need to listen. I need to be there for them. But I was doing all of these things! So why was I still struggling?
My natural tendency (and please know that this is not me trying to brag) is to be constantly mindful of other's feelings and needs. So being a "good" friend, I didn't think, wasn't an issue for me. So maybe the problem was the way I looked! I was probably too fat. I probably didn't dress nice enough. Do I have bad breath? (*tests breath*) Is it my personality? I laugh too much. I say awkward things. Maybe I'm not nice. Maybe I'm not "Christian" enough... Then I looked at everyone else... there were other people with quirks, because we all have them! So why did they have good friendships? Groups of good friends! Why wasn't I invited? Maybe I'm just one of those people that everyone forgets about? So then that would lead me in a constant circle of is it me? is it them? is it me? is it them?
Then I realized a few things.
-First off, I have some pretty great "forever" friends and I need to be thankful for and mindful of those even if we are at different stages of life... they are still my "kindred spirits". They are my sisters: Ami, Shannon and Dessa. Not actually my sisters.... but you know what I mean.
-The second thing I realized was that I was not being intentional about becoming friends with people. I was sitting around moping and "weighing" my options. There are so many people in my life that I consider my friends but you know, sometimes...as much as you love them, you can't do life with them. And I've had to learn that that is ok! It's ok to not pursue some relationships any deeper than they already are... because then it's becoming forced! And you don't want a forced friendship.
-The third thing that hit me was that I was not making myself available to BE a friend. I had lumped myself into a group where I thought I needed to find friends that fit into that group. I had formed my very own clique (of sorts). The criteria was that you had to be a young 20 something married woman with kids and had to be miserable with staying at home. Well, I make dumb groups. So then I thought, "I just need to be a more creative, fashionable, good mommy.. and then I'll fit into THEIR group"... that group didn't exist really.
So, after lots of trial and error... I am finally learning to SHUT UP. Yup! That's my advice! Stop letting your brain talk about you. Shut your brain up (aka Satan). It's lying to you! Yes, continue to examine yourself and how you can improve. But you are YOU. You are where you are! I got married when I was 20 and by 25 I have 3 kids.. that is part of who I am... and although I can't relate to someone who is 25, single and has no kids.... I can still be friends with them! What a notion! I don't have to fit some kind of category to have a friend. YOU don't have to be in any kind of category to be friends with me! If we click, we click! and if we don't ..then we don't!
One other friendship issue that I found myself in was that there was a friend who was very similar to me, close to my age with kids my kids age. I liked her, she liked me. We went to the same church. Our husbands got along. Our kids got a long. We should have been best friends from the get go! But in my opinion, we weren't. Why? Because I condemned myself for not wanting to be a stay at home mom and she loved being a stay at home mom and I thought that she might be condemning me for that! How stupid of me! I am a stay at home mom right now for various reasons, but I will not always be! That's not my nature nor what I've been called to! And I have only recently realized that this friend likes me and trusts me for ME...not for how I "mommy". We "mommy" different. But we can learn from each other. If we were exactly the same.. why should we be friends? Friendship isn't just about companionship... it's about helping each other grow. And how can we grow if we're around just our self or someone who is just like us? We will never be challenged or encouraged if we keep to ourselves and to people that are exactly like us.
So my advice on "how to friend"? Shut up and be ok with being different!
And let us consider how we may spur (sharpen; point out flaws; get real with) one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together (be intentional about spending time with each other), as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another (encourage with your words, your gifts, and your actions.)—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. ~Hebrews 10:24 & 25~
