We’ve been married for a short 5 years. And we still LIKE
each other. In America, this is practically unheard of! Why is divorce or a
miserable marriage the “norm.”? Sure,
those of you who have a few more years on us might say “Well, you just
wait!”….. I’d like to make the observation that time doesn’t necessarily mean
wisdom.
5 years isn’t really a long time. But we have fit a LOT into
those 5 years. We have had 5 years of happiness, heartbreak, misery,
loneliness, joy and mostly change, change, change. We have moved 5 times (and
how many of you know how STRESSFUL this is…?!), Jeff has helped me through
SEVERE depression and anxiety, I have helped Jeff through a practically
lifelong pornography addiction (3 ½ years clean, people! I am so proud of that man.),
major financial stress, military deployment where he missed the first year of
his 2nd son’s life and I was a single mother of two young boys, a
huge job change/trusting God decision, 2 “surprise” children early in our
marriage (Let’s be honest, 5 years into marriage is when most people have their
first.), being landlords, family related drama, friend related drama,
self-doubt, being asked and accepting a leadership position at our church,
planning and preparing for our 3rd child (our first girl!)….. and
these are just the “major” events… How many of you experienced couples know
that just the day-to-day can wear on your marriage!?
All of this being said, I’d like to share with you how Jeff
and I have kept our friendship throughout all of these things. For better or
worse, in sickness and in health…
In no particular order:
1.
Going to bed at the same time. I don’t know why
this makes a difference, but it does…
2.
Not assigning “rolls”… there are things that I
do better naturally and vice-versa... but that doesn’t mean I can’t help with
the mowing or cleaning the car or that he can’t help with laundry, dishes, or
house cleaning.
3.
Parenting together. Neither one of us is a more
or less present parent. We both love. We both discipline. We both potty train.
We both put them to bed. We both kiss their owies. We both teach them about
riding bikes or throwing a ball or using their imagination, we have dance
parties to Disney music…
4.
We play together. No, literally. We play. We
play silly video games. We play go-fish. We do dumb quizzes online together. We
play tennis (when I’m not pregnant). We watch T.V. shows or movies
together. I’m his “guy” friend. He’s my
“girl” friend. This doesn’t cancel out the need for an actual friend of the
same sex, but we are mutually each other’s very best friend. Think back to when
you were 7 or 8 and you had a friend that you did EVERYTHING with. And it
didn’t matter what their gender was or what they did or didn’t do for you. You
were just buds.
5.
We always resolve an argument before going to
bed (even though, for some reason, we usually only argue right before bed… so
we end up staying up late -_- ). We may not solve the problem…but we agree to
disagree or at least hold the conversation for another time.
6.
Our relationship with each other is a bigger
priority than our relationship with our kids. Our kids will move out of the
house… Jeff won’t be moving out of the house and there’s going to come a time
when it’s just me and him. So we keep up with date nights. Staying up for an
hour after the kids go to bed. Putting our phones away when we are eating a
meal. Shutting our bedroom door and talking about our day and telling the kids
(who are knocking on the door or sticking toys underneath) that they need to
wait. We don’t let the kids interrupt every single one of our conversations. We
don’t let texts or phone calls interrupt our important conversations.
7.
We find things to laugh at together. Funny
movies. Something the kid says. Something funny that we read on social media.
Dinner gone bad (he only laughs if I’m laughing). The show, Modern Family.
8.
Hugs. Obviously, kissing and cuddling and sex
are needed and so important in a marriage… but just a good hug is important
too. Jeff’s hugs have been my favorite since I was 15.
9.
Dancing. Silly dancing. Slow dancing. Family
dance parties. Head Banging. Zumba…..
yup. Dancing.
10.
Talking about your dreams, goals, fears,
childhood, future, present….. even if it’s silly.
11.
Don’t be dramatic. Don’t manipulate. Don’t try
to play a “card”.
12.
BUDGET. Respect the Budget. Communicate about
purchases.
13.
Go to church weekly. And not just any church…but
a church that teaches the Truth FROM the Bible. A church that loves your
family. A church that loves your marriage. A church where friends and pastors
are on #teamwhateveryourlastnamesis and not on #teamher or #teamhim…
14.
Serve. Serve something outside of yourself, your
marriage and your family… TOGETHER. Serve at church. Serve at the food bank.
Serve food to the homeless. Serve by helping a friend or family in need. Do it
together.
15.
Be ok with the fact that you are two separate
people. You always will be. Because if God wanted you both to be the same
person…he would’ve only designed one of you. It’s ok if he doesn’t like clothes
shopping or Pretty Little Liars. It’s ok if she doesn’t like football or Braveheart.
Find what you do like and can stand (hobbies) about the other and do THAT with
them.
16.
Give it up. If you watch a lot of sports and
that really bothers her, then be willing to decrease the amount of time you
talk about it or watch it. If he doesn’t like your girly T.V. show, be willing
to not watch it. It’s just stuff. Do you want stuff or do you want
relationships? But on the other hand, be open minded and willing to learn about
the things they like. I don’t care to watch sports, but my husband REALLY does.
I learned about football so I can watch the big games with him and have a
conversation about it… and he’s become pretty invested in Pitch Perfect.
17.
Hold them to a higher standard (not impossible)
and don’t get offended when they call YOU out. Be approachable and willing to
fix your own issues and not just theirs.
18.
Talk. Communicate. Dialogue. Listen.
And from my husband (he didn’t look at my list.). I asked
him to text me the top 5 things he thinks we’ve done to keep up our friendship.
So some sound like repeats of mine. Consider them our “most important” tips.
1.
Taking interest in some (doesn’t have to be all)
of each other’s likes and hobbies.
2.
Seeing the value of having hobbies APART from
each other.
3.
Having mostly all mutual friends who will only
build up our opinion of each other, not tear it down.
4.
Hanging out and having fun in non-romantic ways.
Dating builds love, but hanging out builds ‘like’.
5.
Constructive criticism. That way, we can be open
about things we dislike and we don’t let them fester. It is also of great
benefit to have ‘open’ arguments.
Maybe you and your spouse aren’t friends. I hope this post gave you some ideas on how
you can start the process of building your friendship back up.
