I've been asked several times to write my birth story. This is not that story. And while I am working on that post as well and hope to have it to you soon, I felt that this post was more important.
I'm sure that you've heard of Post Partum depression, or "the baby blues"? It is totally normal for every woman to experience these feelings on some level. It could last for a few days, it could last for months. It could just be a slight melancholy feeling or it could be in the form of full blown rage. It could be an assortment.
As some of you know, I struggled with depression as a teenager and into adulthood. When I got pregnant with my first child... my husband and I were newly married and I wasn't even 21 yet. After I had Ian, I was on cloud 9 for 2 whole beautiful, wonderful weeks. And then the crap hit the fan.
My brother-in-law moved in with us (he needed a place to live and we needed a little extra to meet all the bills), we were struggling financially... and my very best friend, my husband finally told me about his severe pornography addiction and had been lying to me for almost 2 years. While I am so glad he finally told me and got the help he needed and fixed his mistakes... it could not have come at a worse time for me. I struggled to keep my emotions even remotely in check. A few weeks later, he had to go on a 5 day work trip and a few days after he got back we went to El Paso (15 hour drive) for my brothers wedding, which we were in. I was self conscious of my mom-body and having a 2 month old and being in a hotel and still learning to be a mom and dealing with a marriage crisis. It was too much too soon. I held it together, somewhat, for a few months. When Ian was 5 months old... I could no longer keep it in. I cried every day. I didn't want to married anymore. I didn't want to be a mommy anymore. I didn't want to live anymore. I was biting my arms (dumb way to deal with it, but it was making me focus on one specific thing instead of all of the things that were weighing me down.), I was having nightmares and was hallucinating at night. I never told anyone but Jeff.
Just about the time I was going to actually agree to get help, I was suddenly better! And I soon discovered that it was because I had tons of happy hormones in my body from growing another tiny human! I was so glad to finally feel like living again and felt relieved that I was "better".
When I was about 6 months pregnant with Andrew, we learned that Jeff would be deploying to Afghanistan when our new baby would be only 4 months old. That before he left he'd have a lot of training to do and would have to be gone ON my due date to the other side of the U.S. We were living with friends at the time due to our financial circumstances and life was just very stressful. SO now we were planning a deployment, trying to find a place to live, and getting ready for a new baby while we were still getting used to being new parents to our first baby. This was not ideal, obviously, but I tried so hard to keep it together. After all, everyone expected me to. And I needed to for my husband's sake. He needed to know that I was going to be ok while he was gone. My children needed me. I was honestly doing "ok". I was just going one day at a time.
After I had Andrew, I was so happy that the depression hadn't come back. Even with the impending deployment, I was honestly doing pretty good. My husband left for Afghanistan and I was still ok.
And then month 5 post-partum hit. Friends who had promised to be there for me during deployment, who had promised to help, were no where to be found. I felt completely alone and lost. Every day the depression got worse... and I didn't tell anyone. I hinted it at a few people but wasn't brave enough to fully admit the depth of my despair. I was afraid they'd take my kids from me, the only reason I was holding on to living. I was afraid that I would become a sympathy case and no one would ever treat me the same again. It finally got so bad that I was basically paralyzed and could only perform basic parenting tasks, and even those were difficult. For the sake of my children, I told my parents. I didn't convey how bad it was to them so they didn't take it seriously at first. And I was left, because of my lack of communication, feeling even more isolated, like a freak. What would I do? I had two sweet baby boys who desperately needed me to be a complete mommy. And I just COULDN'T pull myself together.
I am a Christian. So I can only tell you how I got through this from my beliefs and convictions.
Through a series of events and relationships at church, I one day just had a realization. I had let Satan let me feel isolated. I had let Satan lie to me for years. Lies that started when I was young, but due to circumstances and hormones, they had become ugly and huge. I believed that I was unwanted by people, by friends, by my family, by my husband...and by God. I believed I was not needed and purposeless. I believed I was unattractive and that motherhood had made me even more so. I never spoke these words. But I let them fester in my head and in my heart. I was at Girls Getaway (Church on the Move women's event) and my blinders came off. I suddenly saw all my thoughts as lies and not facts. Over the next year, I put in some HARD work. I decided that medication was not the right course for me. I dove into the Bible, what God had to say about me and to me. I allowed myself to believe the things my husband was saying about me. I chose to be a friend instead of only looking for who could be a friend to me. I decided that I liked who I wanted to be.
When I got pregnant with my 3rd child, right off the bat I had to battle my thought life. I suddenly felt like an inadequate and mean mommy. Different from my first two pregnancies where I was on a hormone high, I was on a hormone low. But my pregnancy, physically, was so much better than my first two. Over-all, my pregnancy was just happier and healthy with no big life-change events happening during or RIGHT after.
After I had my sweet little Ivy, I was prepared. I was totally prepared for any raging hormones that would probably come. But they didn't!
Not until last week. Suddenly I'm losing my freaking mind.
But this time, it's ok. I know that it is OK and normal to feel this way. It isn't who I am. It's just a moment in time. This time, I know who I am in Christ. And it makes all the difference. And while I feel out of control, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, unlovely... just like the feelings I had with my first two... this time I have something different. I have HOPE. I KNOW that it will get better. I know that this is not who I am. It's just a scientific blurp. I know that God can help me through this. I know that my husband will help me through this. And I know that I have some very dear friends who will encourage and help me as well.
I know that I'm not hiding this time. In fact, I am writing a very real blog post about it instead. I know that I am not isolating myself and thinking that I am the only woman feeling this way. I know that I'm not a terrible mother. I know that I'm not a terrible wife. My feelings are just feelings... and I know that they WILL pass.
But I also, know that if they do not pass how or when I want them to, it is ok to get further help.
Dear new momma,
Find someone that you are comfortable with. And tell them. Cry to them. Let them help you. Don't be afraid to get the help that you need. If it's just a shoulder to cry on, find a shoulder. If it's more than that, it is ok to seek professional help.
I encourage you to find 3 truths about yourself. Every time you are thinking negatively, speak these Truths. Below are some Bible verses. I pray that you would read each one out loud. Ask God to show you how each one applies to you. Dissect each word. Get out your thesaurus and your dictionary. Speak these verses over yourself. Do it EVERY. single. day. I've added a few of my own thoughts just to help you get an idea of how to study them.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear (anxiety or depression can replace this word), but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7
"I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well." Psalm 139:14 (You are beautiful because God made you. You have great value.)
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7 (God is your strength... and also your shield if you'll let him be. You can trust him. Let him be your joy. Sing songs to him even when you don't feel like doing it...)
If you are not a Christian, please at least find some encouraging quotes you can say to yourself.
Some other things that I did that can help heal depression:
-Diet change. Get rid of processed foods and sugars. Research "happy foods"... juiced banana peels for example.
-Do things! learn to knit. bake. write.
-Exercise! I am horrible at working out. Like, HORRIBLE. and I hate doing it. But it will do wonders for your soul.
-Make friends and be purposeful about hanging out with them! As a mommy, it can be hard to find this time.... but invite people over that don't care what you or your house look like.
-Color. Get a coloring book and go for it. Huge stress reliever. Gets your focus on something else.
These are just some things that worked for me. Find your own groove. Turn off Netflix, put away your bag of chocolate. Look at that sweet baby. That little person is only ONE reason why you should fight your heart out to be the BEST you.
My first few years as a mommy were bleak and lonely. They hurt. My heart literally ached. I had bruises on my arms from biting myself. Headaches from stress. My dyslexia was worse. My clothing style was worse because I didn't feel like I deserved better. So many things were wrong and no one knew.
It's been about a year and a half since I hurt myself to forget about my feelings and circumstances. And that is something to be celebrated! I have lost about 50 pounds since starting this journey. I have many wonderful, true friends. My marriage is better. My relationship with my parents is better. I no longer sit on my butt all day, paralyzed by grief, loneliness or doubt.
Thank you Jesus, for taking my pain and depression and putting it in the grave with You and leaving it there when You rose again. I love you.
