We had wanted to be making enough income by this point to send him to our church's private school. That wasn't to be. So we were hoping we'd move to a better area where a better public school would be nearby. That also didn't happen. So I began to prepare myself for what I said I'd never do: home schooling. Don't get me wrong, I think homeschooling is a good option! I myself was home schooled... but I never wanted to do it. I still don't. But I don't have another option right now, so I allowed God to change my perspective.
I really don't think we will home school in the future, since I hope that next school year we will be living in a different part of town and my husband and I still agree and believe that a smaller public school is still the plan God has for our children... but you never know and I won't say no or never to God. But He would have a lot of work to do on my heart and a lot of skills He'd have to teach me if homeschooling would be our way to go.
All of this being said, I wanted to share with you my thoughts on dealing with life when it doesn't go quite the way you hoped.
I cried... like, ugly cried, to my husband a few weeks ago because of "back to school"... and not for the normal "mommy of a pre-schooler" type of thing. I cried because everyone elses kids were about to be back in school and some form of freedom and normalcy would resume for those moms. But not for me. What made me feel worse is that I then felt like a BAD mom because I just desperately wanted my child to be away from me for a large portion of the day, everyday! Not because I don't love him or like him... because my goodness, I do. But because I was so excited for some calm. For 5 years I've had small people hanging off of my legs, boys bickering back and forth constantly, attitudes, endless requests for snacks and hearing "can I watch a movie?" a gazillion times a day. I was just so ready to have some semblance of a break from that and I was equally excited for my son to get a break from his brother and sister and to have some of the independence that he craves! So yes, I cried. I mourned for all of these things I had been dreaming of for years that were now gone. A quote from Anne Shirley comes to mind, "My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes."... And while that is definitely a bit over dramatic, I still felt that weight. That, officially, my hopes, my needs, my wants.... really didn't matter and would never come to be.
I decided I'd better get over my hurt, and quick because I needed to set our school plans in stone and decide on a start date.
I wish I could say that our first day of school was magical. But the truth is, it wasn't. Ian really enjoyed learning, but I dealt with an attitude from him, Ivy was hanging off my leg and screaming at me the whole time and Andrew wanted to do school too and was just so excited to see (and talk) about everything. Needless to say, I was stressed and really couldn't wait to finish up the plan for the day.
And yet, I find myself looking forward to tomorrow. Why? Because I really do feel so honored that God has trusted me with these little humans. I'm so grateful that I am of sound mind to teach my children. I'm thankful that I'm confident in what I'm teaching because I had a great teacher, my mom. I'm so glad that this is not forever, one way or another.
And in the mean time, while I work through this season... I will stand on this verse, "...My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness..." 2 Cor. 12:9 I have a great opportunity to show my children how, despite my circumstance, despite my weakness, when I give that to God... He can take that and sustain me and I can glorify Him. I will lead by example.
So no, my mind hasn't changed about homeschooling. But my heart has... because God has shown me the great opportunities that there are to teach my children about God's love and grace, no matter where my kids go to school.
Yes. Andrew has no pants on.... And Ivy thought she should go ahead and line up against the wall too, because girls and pictures just go together.
