Becoming a New Mom... Again. "Post Partum Depression"

My third child was born 1 month ago, July 26th. My first girl, Ivy Leanne.

I've been asked several times to write my birth story. This is not that story. And while I am working on that post as well and hope to have it to you soon, I felt that this post was more important.

I'm sure that you've heard of Post Partum depression, or "the baby blues"? It is totally normal for every woman to experience these feelings on some level. It could last for a few days, it could last for months. It could just be a slight melancholy feeling or it could be in the form of full blown rage. It could be an assortment.

As some of you know, I struggled with depression as a teenager and into adulthood. When I got pregnant with my first child... my husband and I were newly married and I wasn't even 21 yet. After I had Ian, I was on cloud 9 for 2 whole beautiful, wonderful weeks. And then the crap hit the fan.

My brother-in-law moved in with us (he needed a place to live and we needed a little extra to meet all the bills), we were struggling financially... and my very best friend, my husband finally told me about his severe pornography addiction and had been lying to me for almost 2 years. While I am so glad he finally told me and got the help he needed and fixed his mistakes... it could not have come at a worse time for me. I struggled to keep my emotions even remotely in check. A few weeks later, he had to go on a 5 day work trip and a few days after he got back we went to El Paso (15 hour drive) for my brothers wedding, which we were in. I was self conscious of my mom-body and having a 2 month old and being in a hotel and still learning to be a mom and dealing with a marriage crisis. It was too much too soon. I held it together, somewhat, for a few months. When Ian was 5 months old... I could no longer keep it in. I cried every day. I didn't want to married anymore. I didn't want to be a mommy anymore. I didn't want to live anymore. I was biting my arms (dumb way to deal with it, but it was making me focus on one specific thing instead of all of the things that were weighing me down.), I was having nightmares and was hallucinating at night. I never told anyone but Jeff.

Just about the time I was going to actually agree to get help, I was suddenly better! And I soon discovered that it was because I had tons of happy hormones in my body from growing another tiny human! I was so glad to finally feel like living again and felt relieved that I was "better".

When I was about 6 months pregnant with Andrew, we learned that Jeff would be deploying to Afghanistan when our new baby would be only 4 months old. That before he left he'd have a lot of training to do and would have to be gone ON my due date to the other side of the U.S. We were living with friends at the time due to our financial circumstances and life was just very stressful. SO now we were planning a deployment, trying to find a place to live, and getting ready for a new baby while we were still getting used to being new parents to our first baby. This was not ideal, obviously, but I tried so hard to keep it together. After all, everyone expected me to. And I needed to for my husband's sake. He needed to know that I was going to be ok while he was gone. My children needed me. I was honestly doing "ok". I was just going one day at a time.

After I had Andrew, I was so happy that the depression hadn't come back. Even with the impending deployment, I was honestly doing pretty good. My husband left for Afghanistan and I was still ok.
And then month 5 post-partum hit. Friends who had promised to be there for me during deployment, who had promised to help, were no where to be found. I felt completely alone and lost. Every day the depression got worse... and I didn't tell anyone. I hinted it at a few people but wasn't brave enough to fully admit the depth of my despair. I was afraid they'd take my kids from me, the only reason I was holding on to living. I was afraid that I would become a sympathy case and no one would ever treat me the same again. It finally got so bad that I was basically paralyzed and could only perform basic parenting tasks, and even those were difficult. For the sake of my children, I told my parents. I didn't convey how bad it was to them so they didn't take it seriously at first. And I was left, because of my lack of communication, feeling even more isolated, like a freak. What would I do? I had two sweet baby boys who desperately needed me to be a complete mommy. And I just COULDN'T pull myself together.

I am a Christian. So I can only tell you how I got through this from my beliefs and convictions.

Through a series of events and relationships at church, I one day just had a realization. I had let Satan let me feel isolated. I had let Satan lie to me for years. Lies that started when I was young, but due to circumstances and hormones, they had become ugly and huge. I believed that I was unwanted by people, by friends, by my family, by my husband...and by God. I believed I was not needed and purposeless. I believed I was unattractive and that motherhood had made me even more so. I never spoke these words. But I let them fester in my head and in my heart. I was at Girls Getaway (Church on the Move women's event) and my blinders came off. I suddenly saw all my thoughts as lies and not facts. Over the next year, I put in some HARD work. I decided that medication was not the right course for me. I dove into the Bible, what God had to say about me and to me. I allowed myself to believe the things my husband was saying about me. I chose to be a friend instead of only looking for who could be a friend to me. I decided that I liked who I wanted to be.

When I got pregnant with my 3rd child, right off the bat I had to battle my thought life. I suddenly felt like an inadequate and mean mommy. Different from my first two pregnancies where I was on a hormone high, I was on a hormone low. But my pregnancy, physically, was so much better than my first two. Over-all, my pregnancy was just happier and healthy with no big life-change events happening during or RIGHT after.

After I had my sweet little Ivy, I was prepared. I was totally prepared for any raging hormones that would probably come. But they didn't!

Not until last week. Suddenly I'm losing my freaking mind.
But this time, it's ok. I know that it is OK and normal to feel this way. It isn't who I am. It's just a moment in time. This time, I know who I am in Christ. And it makes all the difference. And while I feel out of control, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, unlovely... just like the feelings I had with my first two... this time I have something different. I have HOPE. I KNOW that it will get better. I know that this is not who I am. It's just a scientific blurp. I know that God can help me through this. I know that my husband will help me through this. And I know that I have some very dear friends who will encourage and help me as well.

I know that I'm not hiding this time. In fact, I am writing a very real blog post about it instead. I know that I am not isolating myself and thinking that I am the only woman feeling this way. I know that I'm not a terrible mother. I know that I'm not a terrible wife. My feelings are just feelings... and I know that they WILL pass.

But I also, know that if they do not pass how or when I want them to, it is ok to get further help.

Dear new momma,
     Find someone that you are comfortable with. And tell them. Cry to them. Let them help you. Don't be afraid to get the help that you need. If it's just a shoulder to cry on, find a shoulder. If it's more than that, it is ok to seek professional help.


I encourage you to find 3 truths about yourself. Every time you are thinking negatively, speak these Truths. Below are some Bible verses. I pray that you would read each one out loud. Ask God to show you how each one applies to you. Dissect each word. Get out your thesaurus and your dictionary. Speak these verses over yourself. Do it EVERY. single. day. I've added a few of my own thoughts just to help you get an idea of how to study them.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear (anxiety or depression can replace this word), but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

"I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well." Psalm 139:14 (You are beautiful because God made you. You have great value.)

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7 (God is your strength... and also your shield if you'll let him be. You can trust him. Let him be your joy. Sing songs to him even when you don't feel like doing it...)

If you are not a Christian, please at least find some encouraging quotes you can say to yourself.
Some other things that I did that can help heal depression:
-Diet change. Get rid of processed foods and sugars. Research "happy foods"... juiced banana peels for example.
-Do things! learn to knit. bake. write.
-Exercise! I am horrible at working out. Like, HORRIBLE. and I hate doing it. But it will do wonders for your soul.
-Make friends and be purposeful about hanging out with them! As a mommy, it can be hard to find this time.... but invite people over that don't care what you or your house look like.
-Color. Get a coloring book and go for it. Huge stress reliever. Gets your focus on something else.


These are just some things that worked for me. Find your own groove. Turn off Netflix, put away your bag of chocolate. Look at that sweet baby. That little person is only ONE reason why you should fight your heart out to be the BEST you.



My first few years as a mommy were bleak and lonely. They hurt. My heart literally ached. I had bruises on my arms from biting myself. Headaches from stress. My dyslexia was worse. My clothing style was worse because I didn't feel like I deserved better. So many things were wrong and no one knew.

It's been about a year and a half since I hurt myself to forget about my feelings and circumstances. And that is something to be celebrated! I have lost about 50 pounds since starting this journey. I have many wonderful, true friends. My marriage is better. My relationship with my parents is better. I no longer sit on my butt all day, paralyzed by grief, loneliness or doubt.

Thank you Jesus, for taking my pain and depression and putting it in the grave with You and leaving it there when You rose again. I love you.

When you "literally can't even" anymore with pregnancy....

The date feels STAMPED on your brain. Your due date. You count down the days for months and months and everyone around you does too. The day comes! ...and it goes. and so does the next day. and the next...


If one more person asks if you're "feeling anything"... you may accidentally spit in their face. If one more person comments on YOUR body and what it looks like... heaven help them. If one more person recommends Castor oil or walking (in the 100+ temperatures! while your hips and lower back are already SO tired and sore and achy) or that you should have sex......... well then, "I'm sorry that my arm twitched and punched you in the face..." You feel like EVERY. SINGLE. conversation that you have with anyone has to do with your vagina, your boobs, or your giant belly and the baby that is still (seemingly) stuck in there! ForeeeeevvvvvER.... (Sandlot reference)
Note: Anyone reading this who is NOT currently pregnant or has never been.... it is NOT ok to do any of the above things. If you accidentally do.....come back later with an apology and food.

You feel like locking yourself in your baby's nursery (that's been ready and waiting for weeks!) and crying while you down even MORE food.


Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe the last (and added) weeks of pregnancy!


Momma, I want to encourage you. It's ok to cry. It's ok to be frustrated! And quite honestly, it is OK to speak your mind (as kindly as you can) to those who have NO problems speaking THEIR mind. This is your body! And this is your baby's body. And our amazing God created both! Your body CAN do this. Your body can finish this pregnancy, however long it may be, and it can go into labor! And it WILL. You are stronger than you think!


So today... when someone looks at you with a pathetic face and says "You must be miserable!"... SMILE! and say "Actually, I feel great!" It has a tendency to make them see that YOU are positive about this pregnancy and you don't want any "help" or "suggestions" from them!

Also, keep in mind... that people truly mean well. And they really don't know what else to say. Have mercy and understanding. Forgive. I myself have said to a dear friend who had gone past her due date, "You look miserable!" I later apologized... but in the moment I said it, I just wanted to show her that I SAW her hard work. And that I empathized with her and wanted to be supportive. Unfortunately, the thoughts I had in my head came out in the wrong words. So when someone you love makes a comment like this, keep in mind that they are doing so in love. That doesn't mean you have to let them continue to make those comments or be happy about the comments.... it just means that you need to include grace in dealing with them.

But Lord help the complete stranger who thinks they can talk about how much sex you and your husband should be having right now..........

-Staying Friends-

  We’ve been married for a short 5 years. And we still LIKE each other. In America, this is practically unheard of! Why is divorce or a miserable marriage the “norm.”?  Sure, those of you who have a few more years on us might say “Well, you just wait!”….. I’d like to make the observation that time doesn’t necessarily mean wisdom.

  5 years isn’t really a long time. But we have fit a LOT into those 5 years. We have had 5 years of happiness, heartbreak, misery, loneliness, joy and mostly change, change, change. We have moved 5 times (and how many of you know how STRESSFUL this is…?!), Jeff has helped me through SEVERE depression and anxiety, I have helped Jeff through a practically lifelong pornography addiction (3 ½ years clean, people! I am so proud of that man.), major financial stress, military deployment where he missed the first year of his 2^nd son’s life and I was a single mother of two young boys, a huge job change/trusting God decision, 2 “surprise” children early in our marriage (Let’s be honest, 5 years into marriage is when most people have their first.), being landlords, family related drama, friend related drama, self-doubt, being asked and accepting a leadership position at our church, planning and preparing for our 3^rd child (our first girl!)….. and these are just the “major” events… How many of you experienced couples know that just the day-to-day can wear on your marriage!? 

 

  All of this being said, I’d like to share with you how Jeff and I have kept our friendship throughout all of these things. For better or worse, in sickness and in health…

In no particular order:

1.       Going to bed at the same time. I don’t know why this makes a difference, but it does…

 

2.       Not assigning “rolls”… there are things that I do better naturally and vice-versa... but that doesn’t mean I can’t help with the mowing or cleaning the car or that he can’t help with laundry, dishes, or house cleaning.

 

3.       Parenting together. Neither one of us is a more or less present parent. We both love. We both discipline. We both potty train. We both put them to bed. We both kiss their owies. We both teach them about riding bikes or throwing a ball or using their imagination, we have dance parties to Disney music…

 

4.       We play together. No, literally. We play. We play silly video games. We play go-fish. We do dumb quizzes online together. We play tennis (when I’m not pregnant). We watch T.V. shows or movies together.  I’m his “guy” friend. He’s my “girl” friend. This doesn’t cancel out the need for an actual friend of the same sex, but we are mutually each other’s very best friend. Think back to when you were 7 or 8 and you had a friend that you did EVERYTHING with. And it didn’t matter what their gender was or what they did or didn’t do for you. You were just buds.

 

 

5.       We always resolve an argument before going to bed (even though, for some reason, we usually only argue right before bed… so we end up staying up late -_- ). We may not solve the problem…but we agree to disagree or at least hold the conversation for another time.

 

6.       Our relationship with each other is a bigger priority than our relationship with our kids. Our kids will move out of the house… Jeff won’t be moving out of the house and there’s going to come a time when it’s just me and him. So we keep up with date nights. Staying up for an hour after the kids go to bed. Putting our phones away when we are eating a meal. Shutting our bedroom door and talking about our day and telling the kids (who are knocking on the door or sticking toys underneath) that they need to wait. We don’t let the kids interrupt every single one of our conversations. We don’t let texts or phone calls interrupt our important conversations.

 

7.       We find things to laugh at together. Funny movies. Something the kid says. Something funny that we read on social media. Dinner gone bad (he only laughs if I’m laughing). The show, Modern Family.

 

8.       Hugs. Obviously, kissing and cuddling and sex are needed and so important in a marriage… but just a good hug is important too. Jeff’s hugs have been my favorite since I was 15.

 

9.       Dancing. Silly dancing. Slow dancing. Family dance parties. Head Banging. Zumba…..   yup. Dancing.

 

10.   Talking about your dreams, goals, fears, childhood, future, present….. even if it’s silly.

 

11.   Don’t be dramatic. Don’t manipulate. Don’t try to play a “card”.

 

12.   BUDGET. Respect the Budget. Communicate about purchases.

 

13.   Go to church weekly. And not just any church…but a church that teaches the Truth FROM the Bible. A church that loves your family. A church that loves your marriage. A church where friends and pastors are on #teamwhateveryourlastnamesis and not on #teamher or #teamhim…

 

14.   Serve. Serve something outside of yourself, your marriage and your family… TOGETHER. Serve at church. Serve at the food bank. Serve food to the homeless. Serve by helping a friend or family in need. Do it together.

 

15.   Be ok with the fact that you are two separate people. You always will be. Because if God wanted you both to be the same person…he would’ve only designed one of you. It’s ok if he doesn’t like clothes shopping or Pretty Little Liars. It’s ok if she doesn’t like football or Braveheart. Find what you do like and can stand (hobbies) about the other and do THAT with them.

 

16.   Give it up. If you watch a lot of sports and that really bothers her, then be willing to decrease the amount of time you talk about it or watch it. If he doesn’t like your girly T.V. show, be willing to not watch it. It’s just stuff. Do you want stuff or do you want relationships? But on the other hand, be open minded and willing to learn about the things they like. I don’t care to watch sports, but my husband REALLY does. I learned about football so I can watch the big games with him and have a conversation about it… and he’s become pretty invested in Pitch Perfect.

 

17.   Hold them to a higher standard (not impossible) and don’t get offended when they call YOU out. Be approachable and willing to fix your own issues and not just theirs.

 

18.   Talk. Communicate. Dialogue. Listen.

 

 

 

  And from my husband (he didn’t look at my list.). I asked him to text me the top 5 things he thinks we’ve done to keep up our friendship. So some sound like repeats of mine. Consider them our “most important” tips.

1.       Taking interest in some (doesn’t have to be all) of each other’s likes and hobbies.

2.       Seeing the value of having hobbies APART from each other.

3.       Having mostly all mutual friends who will only build up our opinion of each other, not tear it down.

4.       Hanging out and having fun in non-romantic ways. Dating builds love, but hanging out builds ‘like’.

5.       Constructive criticism. That way, we can be open about things we dislike and we don’t let them fester. It is also of great benefit to have ‘open’ arguments.

 

  I’d love to hear from you! What is something fun that you and your spouse do to stay friends?

  Maybe you and your spouse aren’t friends.  I hope this post gave you some ideas on how you can start the process of building your friendship back up.

 

"How to Friend"

I've read books on the subject. Listened to countless church services that have touched on it or gone into depth on it.. I've read what the Bible has to say. I've listened to talks from my mom, my husband and even FROM my friends throughout my life. I have personally been in some friendship relationships and have helped others with their friendships....

By that first paragraph, it looks as if I have quite a resume on "how to friend". I should be an expert or something right? Nope. I've examined my relationships. I've examined both myself and the person I am friends with. But I haven't been able to figure out why on earth it feels like constant work and competition to stay friends with anyone, no matter how much I feel like I "try". No matter how much I love the friend in the friendship.

I know that any relationship is always going to take work. Life requires action at all times. I get that. But why does it feel that a deep and meaningful friendship(s) is so hard to acquire or that having a group of buddies to hang out with is non-existent?

We know that friendship is a two sided thing. And I have very dear friends who, I know without a shadow of a doubt, love me and WANT to be friends with me and want to work on the relationship.
Maybe, though, I'm alone in the feeling that it's a constant struggle to find and keep a "kindred spirit and bosom friend" (to borrow the phrase from the book Anne of Green Gables). I'm pretty sure I'm probably not alone though.

In every friendship I have, no matter how good it is... I am constantly having an inner conversation with myself regarding the relationship with that particular person:
Do they actually like me or do they feel sorry for me? Am I annoying them? Am I interesting enough? We really are at different places in our life, maybe they wish we didn't hang out as much since we don't have as much in common? What if they find out that I'm a stay at home mom who is only 25...Maybe I won't be interesting enough anymore...(regarding someone I've just met). And a whole slew of other thoughts run through my head... it's pretty exhausting. And because of this.... I cannot relax in a relationship.

Now, there is a LOT I could go into on this subject from a biblical standpoint, but I'll save that for another time.

I've shared all of this so that I could now tell you how I am fixing this problem for myself.

I knew that I had to examine my own self and my own actions.. I need to make sure that I am being a good friend. I need to be selfless. I need to listen. I need to be there for them. But I was doing all of these things! So why was I still struggling?

My natural tendency (and please know that this is not me trying to brag) is to be constantly mindful of other's feelings and needs. So being a "good" friend, I didn't think, wasn't an issue for me. So maybe the problem was the way I looked! I was probably too fat. I probably didn't dress nice enough. Do I have bad breath? (*tests breath*) Is it my personality? I laugh too much. I say awkward things. Maybe I'm not nice. Maybe I'm not "Christian" enough...  Then I looked at everyone else... there were other people with quirks, because we all have them! So why did they have good friendships? Groups of good friends! Why wasn't I invited? Maybe I'm just one of those people that everyone forgets about? So then that would lead me in a constant circle of is it me? is it them? is it me? is it them?

Then I realized a few things.
-First off, I have some pretty great "forever" friends and I need to be thankful for and mindful of those even if we are at different stages of life... they are still my "kindred spirits". They are my sisters: Ami, Shannon and Dessa. Not actually my sisters.... but you know what I mean.
-The second thing I realized was that I was not being intentional about becoming friends with people. I was sitting around moping and "weighing" my options. There are so many people in my life that I consider my friends but you know, sometimes...as much as you love them, you can't do life with them. And I've had to learn that that is ok! It's ok to not pursue some relationships any deeper than they already are... because then it's becoming forced! And you don't want a forced friendship.
-The third thing that hit me was that I was not making myself available to BE a friend. I had lumped myself into a group where I thought I needed to find friends that fit into that group. I had formed my very own clique (of sorts). The criteria was that you had to be a young 20 something married woman with kids and had to be miserable with staying at home. Well, I make dumb groups. So then I thought, "I just need to be a more creative, fashionable, good mommy.. and then I'll fit into THEIR group"... that group didn't exist really.

So, after lots of trial and error... I am finally learning to SHUT UP. Yup! That's my advice! Stop letting your brain talk about you. Shut your brain up (aka Satan). It's lying to you! Yes, continue to examine yourself and how you can improve. But you are YOU. You are where you are! I got married when I was 20 and by 25 I have 3 kids.. that is part of who I am... and although I can't relate to someone who is 25, single and has no kids.... I can still be friends with them! What a notion! I don't have to fit some kind of category to have a friend. YOU don't have to be in any kind of category to be friends with me! If we click, we click! and if we don't ..then we don't!

One other friendship issue that I found myself in was that there was a friend who was very similar to me, close to my age with kids my kids age. I liked her, she liked me. We went to the same church. Our husbands got along. Our kids got a long. We should have been best friends from the get go! But in my opinion, we weren't. Why? Because I condemned myself for not wanting to be a stay at home mom and she loved being a stay at home mom and I thought that she might be condemning me for that! How stupid of me! I am a stay at home mom right now for various reasons, but I will not always be! That's not my nature nor what I've been called to! And I have only recently realized that this friend likes me and trusts me for ME...not for how I "mommy". We "mommy" different. But we can learn from each other. If we were exactly the same.. why should we be friends? Friendship isn't just about companionship... it's about helping each other grow. And how can we grow if we're around just our self or someone who is just like us? We will never be challenged or encouraged if we keep to ourselves and to people that are exactly like us.

So my advice on "how to friend"? Shut up and be ok with being different!

And let us consider how we may spur (sharpen; point out flaws; get real with) one another on toward love and good deeds,  not giving up meeting together (be intentional about spending time with each other), as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another (encourage with your words, your gifts, and your actions.)—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.   ~Hebrews 10:24 & 25~

Mommying Through Your Mess

I have a serious problem. I am allergic to being a mommy.

It's an odd allergy with symptoms that are different from your "typical" allergy.

Maybe you have it too... Let's compare symptoms:
-Fast Breathing Through the Nose
-Grown-Woman Fit Throwing (yelling, sobbing, locking yourself in the bathroom....)
-Muscle Twitching (clenching of fists, jaw tightening, tongue saying things you don't mean...)
-The Urge to Consume Large Quantities of Sweets, Coffee, or Pizza
-Growling and Mumbling Under your Breath


Obviously, this isn't an actual medical problem. (But I'm sure you could get on the internet and list these symptoms and they'd list a thousand ways you are probably dying) But it is a problem, and something I know I'm not alone in dealing with.

Part of the issue for me is that I enjoy when things are a certain way. I like to be in control and to have everything fit together, like a puzzle. Everything has a place. Organization and order are good things! But it goes to far when I start yelling because the little people (and the big one, my husband) don't do things exactly as I have ordered them to. I start having a panic attack when these little guys continually argue over toys and they seem to not even hear me (which usually means I yell just to be heard over them). Yeesh... not a pretty picture. How often is this you? Even if you're not a really organized person, the "mommy monster" can still be an issue for you. You HATE when you become this person. Guilt, shame, sorrow, condemnation... all of these wash over you as Satan whispers in your ear "You failed. You will never change. You scarred them for life."

How do we fix this? We pray, we read blogs, we vent.... but the issue seems to stay the same (or even get worse!)... These children are so precious to us. And we would give our very lives for them! They are gifts. And yet, we can be their biggest enemy! Even when we're trying to be on their side! How do we get out of this habit? How do we 'cure' ourselves?! We want to change... but where do we start...?

I won't pretend I'm an expert and am now totally cured of the Mommy Monster. But I have gotten better! And continually so! A few months ago, my mommy allergy reached it's all time worst. It was becoming a daily struggle for me to even enjoy my children. I had to change. I stopped blaming other's choices, I stopped blaming my circumstances. I stopped blaming my children.

I had gotten myself here. I had let my frustration and impatience take over my parenting.

But I didn't sit there and wallow in my shortcomings. There are moments where I still do, where I allow Satan's lies and judgment into my head. But, slowly, I am being healed. I am changing.

Instead of focusing on all of my flaws, I focused on what God wanted me to be. What God knew I could be. I love my children. I knew that much. So I decided to look at a Bible verse that I knew very well. You probably know it too:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I took each definition of what love is and applied it to how I was loving my children. Boy howdy... I wasn't showing them God's love AT ALL. I wasn't patient or kind, I was keeping records of MY own wrongs against them, I was easily angered.... so I prayed "God... Your word says that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13)... this isn't just a great idea that You put into your word, this is a promise. This is a fact. I need to stop looking to my own strength and look to Yours, God. I want to be a truly loving mother.. with my actions. I want to be patient. I want to be kind. I want what Your word says I can have and should be. Remind me, write it into my mind and onto my heart."

And God has reminded me. As I said before, I still have my rough moments. But every day I see progress. I have almost completely eliminated yelling! And all of the other areas are improving. 

You are not alone in your mess. You can change. You will change. But you need to stop condemning yourself and you need to bring your mistakes to God... He will take them from you and give you a clean slate. You may mess that slate up too, but bring it to Him again and again. You will find that he always forgives. And that He will give your strength to continue to change for the better if you will just honestly and humbly ask Him.

Begin Again.

   So, I love writing. In the past I have attempted to start blogging and just share from my heart and my world but mostly from my mommy brain. But I stopped because I felt like I was talking to no one. And I know people say “do it for yourself!” But… why? Why would I do that? I feel as if whatever I am doing is a waste of time if it isn’t helping or encouraging someone. As a Christian, my belief is that everything I do is for God. And what does God want from me? To love people. So if I’m writing, and no one is reading (which would mean that no one is getting help, love or encouragement from me through my writing)…. To me, it seems pointless. A waste of my time and God’s.

   So why am I here again….writing? Because I must. Maybe no one is reading this. But maybe one of you is. And you are important to me. And maybe someday in the future… there will be more of you reading.

   God gave me talents. One of them, I feel, is writing. One of my passions, is making people feel comfortable with themselves or a situation and to let them know that they’re not alone. So why not combine my talent and my passion?

   Here’s the thing: I don’t want to ask anyone to do anything just to make myself feel validated or better about myself. But I just want to ask ONE tiny thing of you…. If you read my blog posts, and in the future…if a post that you read makes you go “huh, so I’m not the only one, eh?” or something to that affect …could I ask a ginormous favor of you? Will you “like” my post or comment with an emoji or whatever… just so I am encouraged to know that I can continue writing for you?

   Ok… now that that’s over (I seriously feel like I just asked you to join my company and go door-to-door selling products)…. I will begin working on my writing.

Until next time…

 

(Feel free to scroll through my post from this past summer. Some recipes and some thoughts.)

Coming Out of the Stay-at-Home Mom Closet

Motherhood.

How do you define it?

I grew up believing that the "correct" definition of motherhood (as in the perfect and godly way) is: A young, newly married woman who produces mass amounts of children until she goes through menopause and stays at home (or on the go) with all of her children, even when they are grown and out of the house and holds no paying job outside of the home, part time or full time. I kid you not. This was my honest (and ignorant) belief. A combination of churches I grew up in, my parents' teaching, my own insecurities...whatever it was, I have been tied down to this belief and it has put unnecessary pressure on me.

When I was 20, I got married (and did nothing in between high school and marriage because I figured, "what's the point in spending money on college or searching for a really awesome job if I'm just going to stay at home with my kids.") and 9 months later (while I had a really great job) I found out I was pregnant. Surprise! "But yay! I'm being godly and doing what all women are called to do! God must be pleased with me because I'm married already and at 20 years old I'm already pregnant! Yup, I'm in His will!"  Boy, was I wrong. In all honesty....although I was excited, a deep part of me felt as if my life was ending.

Before you freak out, please know that I am deeply in love with my husband and married him for the right reasons and we love our boys so very very much and I love being their mommy.

But you should also know that I hate...no, loathe.... staying at home. I have been in a constant battle with myself. I love being around people and being busy at work. THAT is (part of) who God made me to be. But isn't the godly thing to stay at home forever with my children? For some, that is who God made them to be! That is what they are supposed to do. My mom has stayed at home and home schooled us for the past 29 years and she's still going! She loves it! We always had a clean home, a nurse and chauffer on hand, cookies and 3 meals. She uses all of her talents on a daily basis and she does so (most of the time) with a smile and a hug. She spreads it out to the other kids who enter her home (and to the dogs too) and is "mom" to many.

 I thought I had to be that. But I am not my mom.

I kind of hate cooking 3 rounded meals a day for all of us. I don't want to be the academic educator of my children. I want to supervise the people in my children's life and partner with people who my husband and I trust.

I am Megan. A woman who loves singing and dancing and playing music. A woman who loves art and interior design. A woman who finds great satisfaction in being busy at a task. Organizing, cleaning, talking, listening, achieving goals with a team. Getting out of my house every day. Talking to different people. Having to dress up in more than sweat pants, a t-shirt and brushing my teeth. Being a stay at home mom doesn't fit me. And I have had to realize that that doesn't make me a sinner. It means that I'm me. and God has callings and jobs for everyone. Mine is not what I thought it had to be.

I have been imprisoned by this way of thinking, that one size fits all.

My children are my responsibility, and aside from God and Jeff, they are my top priority. Which means I will spend my life praying for them, making sure they are taken care of but not necessarily by me personally, I will always seek the best options for them when they are young, and offer my wisdom as they grow. I will make sure that our home runs smoothly, even when I'm not at home. I will love them unconditionally and show them God's Truth.

I am only recently learning that it's ok to be a mom AND work outside of the home. It's a process, and has been a very sad and long and hard journey for me. But I'm so thankful that I have allowed God to show me His Truth at such a young age. That I can change now with very few regrets. That I am not harming my children by choosing what is best for our family. My children want a whole momma. My husband wants a whole wife. I want to be whole in mind, body and spirit... and staying at home is crushing me. The best thing for our family ISN'T for me to stay at home. More people need me than just Jeff, Ian and Andrew. And as I am now, doing what I was NOT called to do,..... I cannot fully do what God has called me to do. My kids have benefited from me staying at home with them. But God comes first. And He is calling me out of my house. Out of what I was taught. Out of what I knew. Out of my comfort zone.

It won't be an easy transition for any of us. My kids will have to get used to mommy not being there 24/7. And they will. But they will also know that I will be there in a heart beat if its something only mommy can take care of. My home may be messier than usual, but it's ok. I may have a hard time waking up at a certain time each day. It may be difficult for Jeff to see me more independent from him, but I know he will be proud of me. There will be so many things, unforeseen, that we will have to get used to. But I'm no longer content hiding behind imprisonment and condemnation for being different than who I thought I was supposed to be.

I am not a stay at home mom.

And that is ok...