First Day ~ When You Don't Want to Home School.

The long awaited, slightly dreaded, first day of preschool happened. Since my son was about 2, I've been looking forward to this day with unabashed delight. He would get to spend the day with peers while learning new things and I would finally get some one on one time with my middle child, and there would be less fights I'd have to break up.

We had wanted to be making enough income by this point to send him to our church's private school. That wasn't to be. So we were hoping we'd move to a better area where a better public school would be nearby. That also didn't happen. So I began to prepare myself for what I said I'd never do: home schooling. Don't get me wrong, I think homeschooling is a good option! I myself was home schooled... but I never wanted to do it. I still don't. But I don't have another option right now, so I allowed God to change my perspective.

I really don't think we will home school in the future, since I hope that next school year we will be living in a different part of town and my husband and I still agree and believe that a smaller public school is still the plan God has for our children... but you never know and I won't say no or never to God. But He would have a lot of work to do on my heart and a lot of skills He'd have to teach me if homeschooling would be our way to go.

All of this being said, I wanted to share with you my thoughts on dealing with life when it doesn't go quite the way you hoped.

I cried... like, ugly cried, to my husband a few weeks ago because of "back to school"... and not for the normal "mommy of a pre-schooler" type of thing. I cried because everyone elses kids were about to be back in school and some form of freedom and normalcy would resume for those moms. But not for me. What made me feel worse is that I then felt like a BAD mom because I just desperately wanted my child to be away from me for a large portion of the day, everyday! Not because I don't love him or like him... because my goodness, I do. But because I was so excited for some calm. For 5 years I've had small people hanging off of my legs, boys bickering back and forth constantly, attitudes, endless requests for snacks and hearing "can I watch a movie?" a gazillion times a day. I was just so ready to have some semblance of a break from that and I was equally excited for my son to get a break from his brother and sister and to have some of the independence that he craves! So yes, I cried. I mourned for all of these things I had been dreaming of for years that were now gone. A quote from Anne Shirley comes to mind, "My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes."... And while that is definitely a bit over dramatic, I still felt that weight. That, officially, my hopes, my needs, my wants.... really didn't matter and would never come to be.

I decided I'd better get over my hurt, and quick because I needed to set our school plans in stone and decide on a start date.

I wish I could say that our first day of school was magical. But the truth is, it wasn't. Ian really enjoyed learning, but I dealt with an attitude from him, Ivy was hanging off my leg and screaming at me the whole time and Andrew wanted to do school too and was just so excited to see (and talk) about everything. Needless to say, I was stressed and really couldn't wait to finish up the plan for the day.

And yet, I find myself looking forward to tomorrow. Why? Because I really do feel so honored that God has trusted me with these little humans. I'm so grateful that I am of sound mind to teach my children. I'm thankful that I'm confident in what I'm teaching because I had a great teacher, my mom. I'm so glad that this is not forever, one way or another.

And in the mean time, while I work through this season... I will stand on this verse, "...My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness..." 2 Cor. 12:9   I have a great opportunity to show  my children how, despite my circumstance, despite my weakness, when I give that to God... He can take that and sustain me and I can glorify Him. I will lead by example.

So no, my mind hasn't changed about homeschooling. But my heart has... because God has shown me the great opportunities that there are to teach my children about God's love and grace, no matter where my kids go to school.

Yes. Andrew has no pants on.... And Ivy thought she should go ahead and line up against the wall too, because girls and pictures just go together.

Junk Drawer

So I recently cleaned out the junk drawer. *chorus of angels* We all have that drawer or cupboard that kind of collects THINGS. It's like a trash can for things that you want to keep.... but really have no actual purpose for. As I'm finally cleaning out this drawer, I came across a key that had probably been there from the previous owners who also used this drawer as a junk drawer. The key didn't have a matching lock but it was a cute little brass key and so I decided to re-purpose it and put it on a chain... and now its a cute necklace that I've gotten a lot of compliments on!

It made me think about how I have a junk drawer in my own life. Rude things people said to me, weight loss goals that I didn't meet, self-improvement that I've put on hold, past hurts from family and friends, frustrations in my marriage and parenting.... Instead of putting these in the proper place or actually throwing them away, I put them in my inner junk drawer and hold on to them. I let them build up and build up instead of cleaning up the junk drawer.

When you work at cleaning and organizing all the stuff in your life, it will lead you to good things. A better and more healthy you. Stronger relationships. It can be frustrating and annoying to keep all of that stuff in its proper place... but its always worth it.

So start like you would with the junk drawer. One thing at a time. Find a place for it or throw it away. But don't keep it and let it pile up, because that won't help you or anyone around you. Love yourself enough to clean out your junk drawer so you can find the good stuff!

Happy Breastfeeding Week! Our Story.

Last week, my precious baby girl turned one! I can hardly believe it! Although she is my 3rd child, she is the first one I breastfed. I was so nervous about this journey because I had never been around it. It wasn't familiar to me.

But through the encouragement of friends and finding a really great breastfeeding class, along with a supportive husband.... I felt prepared.

I set a goal of 1 year. And I reached my goal and then some! Now, it wasn't all perfect and beautiful and it was far from easy, similar to motherhood. 

Here's my breastfeeding story.

With my first two children, I chose not to nurse. I had never been around breastfeeding and felt scared to even try. There were many other reasons why I chose not to, but I see now that the underlying reason was fear.

Within the first hour of having my sweet girl, I was able to try nursing her. I had no idea how to hold her or help her and her mouth was just so tiny. We didn't figure it out that first time... Or the next. About the 3rd time, some of the nurses helped me figure out a better hold and she was able to latch on. She couldn't keep her hold for long but I was just glad she got something in her itty bitty belly. 

After we got home and my milk came in (ouch!) we continued working on a better latch. She just wasn't getting it though and I was so full of milk (which is painful and uncomfortable to say the least) and I didn't have a pump so there was no relief. 

When a baby doesn't latch properly, that causes pain for the mother... So for 2 months Ivy and I worked through pain, tears, and frustration.... She was struggling to gain weight and I was feeling like a failure. We looked into lip or tongue tie issues but never got a firm answer on that issue and really didn't have the money to get that taken care of if it were an issue. 

I prayed a lot through those 2 months. My baby was hungry, I was in a pain... And I really didn't want to give up. 1 month in, my supply tanked due to her not being able to get enough to eat. My body took it as a sign that she wasn't eating that much so it didn't make as much. We struggled with supply issues the whole 12 months. I took supplements to help get my supply up. I pumped and pumped and pumped. When we nursed I had to squeeze and pinch and bend at awkward angles just to help her get anything. It just wasn't happening. I finally bought some supplemental formula since she was coming up on 2 months old and had barely gotten half a pound above her birth weight. 

By November... I was ready to give up. But I kept hearing, "1 year. 1 year." So I pushed through. At 4 months old, during one particularly difficult nursing session, I was crying and talking to God, "Why? Why can't I get this? This is my last baby,  please! I want to succeed."  And a thought game to my mind... "Hold her differently. Change your nursing position."

I had been laying her basically on her back and having her turn her head to me instead of having her on her side with her neck not needing to be turned. And low and behold, she latched on properly right away when I switched!

My first thought was to feel stupid. Why hadn't I thought of this before!? And then I felt God comforting me, telling me not to beat myself up. I didn't know what I was doing, I had been persevering through pain and frustration... And now I had figured it out and I should be full of joy, not condemnation of myself.

Ivy started growing better, more steadily. And I was finally able to start enjoying nursing!

It took us 2 months to get the hang of our new nursing position but from 6 months to 12 months (July 26th) it was a breeze! 

Well, mostly. I was feeling antsy to have my body back and she was throwing a fit every time I took her boob away from her! 

Over the last 6 months, the amount of times she nurses each day has dwindled down and she now only nurses before bed. 

Within the last year, I have bonded with my sweet girl, giggled at her silly antics (nursing babies are hilarious!), learned about perseverance, marveled out how amazing God made the female body, fallen asleep in a rocking chair multiple times, gone back and forth in bra sizes, gotten quite proficient in nursing in public, and read more nursing blogs than was necessary.

Some things that helped me:

-Surprisingly Walmart carries my favorite nursing bra. And you definitely want one you really like. It will make a big difference. So spend the money!

-If your baby acts fussy after nursing, it could be something you ate! For a while, I had to avoid tomato sauce and chocolate. It really bothered Ivy for the first few months. Once she grew a bit though, I reintroduced them back into my diet and she did fine with them.

- Don't be afraid to ask a friend who has experience to help you or offer advice. It's not as awkward as you think.

-Remember that even if you don't make it to your goal, you're not a failure. Even if you can't nurse at all, you're not a failure. If your baby is fed and loved... That's what matters. 

-Trust yourself. Encourage yourself. Give yourself grace and patience.

-Give it to God. God loves your little one more than you can possibly imagine! Pray through your nursing experience! God gave me so much insight and wisdom when I asked, and even when I didn't. I could not have made it through this last year, could not have met my goal... If I wouldn't have involved God.

In short, nursing is hard work, but wonderful. But it's not what defines how good of a mother you are.

 The one and only nursing photo I will ever share. Because I personally think that nursing is a beautiful relationship that doesn't need to be constantly broadcast on social media...  

Happy Breastfeeding Week! 

The Measure You Use

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:38)


I grew up in church hearing this verse. It's a Christian favorite. Give and it will be given to you. Sounds pretty awesome!

This verse has been said to me over and over and I've quoted it myself. I've used it when I have given my time, money, or resources to help others; quoting it... thinking about how I would be given back for giving. Now, that's not WHY I give, but it's a definite perk and I have seen this "promise" fulfilled over and over again!

But today, as I was reading my Bible... I came across the verse before it (37), which is also familiar to me and ANOTHER favorite in the Christian world: Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.

"Cool, Megan. Where are you going with this?" Hang with me here.

So, I'm reading these verses together and I realize. "I have been looking at Luke 6:38 from only one point of view!"

I've been looking at it as a promise for good things returned to me... and the Holy Spirit showed me that it works the other way too. The verse in no way says "Give good things and it will be given back to you..." ...it just says GIVE.

So if you GIVE anger, impatience, stinginess, selfishness, bitterness or deception... will it not be returned to you? A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over...poured back on you into your lap?

I don't know about you..... but a good measure of selfishness (or any of the things I've listed) that's been packed down and is flowing over my "cup"... set back into my lap... just doesn't sound wonderful.

If you give judgement or condemnation, will they not be returned to you when you make a mistake? With the measure that you used?

Whatever you give, good or bad... will be given back to you. So choose carefully what you give.

What are you giving to your spouse, to your kids, or to your friends? Are you frustrated with any of these relationships? If so, I encourage you to do a hard examination of what you are giving to them.

Ask God to open your eyes to see the things that you need to see and to give you the strength to start giving good things to the people that you have influence with in your life.

LOVE

I wish people saw each other like Jesus sees them. God created humans with many different races, backgrounds, and personalities! It's part of what makes humans beautiful! We are each unique and created in His image. ALL of us. If each one of us could grasp just a glimpse of how wide, how deep and how vast the Father's love is for His creation..... The world would change dramatically. Why do we have to be violent towards each other with our words and our actions? What are we trying to prove?

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8

Therefore, God's very character is this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Cor. 13:4-7

What if we were to strive to BE LOVE? We can't achieve perfection, but we can do better than we are doing now...

Weigh and Measure

Everywhere I look, the world tells me how inadequate I am as a mother. What I should be doing, what I shouldn't. And almost everything is either killing my child or making their brains into mashed potatoes. Like EVERYTHING. Think of a topic that pertains to children and I'm probably doing it wrong, from either viewpoint.

I'm so glad I don't find my validation and worth as a mother (or a human) in people, in this world. I'm thankful that I know exactly Where to look to find out who I am and how I should parent. 

It's good to do your research and to even seek out advice... But don't allow others to push their opinions or beliefs on you and in return, don't do it to others. 

In just a one week time-span I can hear about how I'm a terrible mom if a tragedy happens to my children. How I'm killing them if I vaccinate them or even if I don't. I've heard that I'm coddling them if I cut up their food. Organic eating is the only way they'll ever make it out of childhood alive. Too much screen time is turning their brain to mush... Which it may be, but as I deal with and work through depression and severe anxiety.... I'm sure they'd rather have mushy brains on occasion than their momma having breakdowns and panic attacks. I've heard how my car seats and buckling choices are incorrect and unsafe, even though I thought I was following all the rules... 

Some of these comments are all very well-meaning and great advice! 

But no wonder today's mothers are stressed out, dealing with mental and emotional issues, or having a hard time even enjoying motherhood! We are constantly being thrown "suggestions" on how to not accidentally kill our children! That's a lot of pressure! To feel like EVERY single thing we do is detrimental to the life of our child! It causes us to be hyper vigilant to where we cannot even relax in the presence of other moms or with our own children...  And on top of that, we hear stories of moms who weren't perfect for a moment, who didn't have it all together in a single moment... And their worst nightmare happens! And the whole world wants to execute you! Do you know how much pressure that puts on moms? 

We are trying to raise healthy, well-rounded adults and we have to look over our shoulder for someone who might video our mistakes and blast them across social media! 

So you're tired of seeing moms not discipline their unruly children? Next time you're tempted to be angry or frustrated towards her, think about how she's feeling, what she's thinking! "If I discipline my kids.... If I don't do this or that... If I don't look like I've got it all together...  Will someone take my kids away? Will there be a huge social media to-do over this decision I'm making right now? I'm trying to do the right thing and raise a healthy human.... But is this way or that way of dealing with it going to land me in the hot seat?" Those are just some of the inner thoughts that go on in my own head... 

Let alone the pressure and embarrassment of seeing your usually well-behaved child flop on the floor and screech like a banshee in front of everyone! Let alone wishing they'd just eat the food, simply because you don't want to hear how STARVING they are 10 minutes later. Let alone trying to breastfeed your infant while they try to uncover everything and pull out your hair... Just hoping someone doesn't tell you how gross you are for feeding your baby. Let alone realizing you forgot extra pants for your toddler and feeling bad that an employee has to clean up your child's urine off the floor. Let alone that you haven't showered or eaten a full meal. Let alone that you desperately want to workout and eat healthy but 3 hours of sleep is just not enough. Let alone trying to hold your marriage and friendships together. Let alone trying to hold yourself together.

So today, I want to encourage all of the mothers that love their children. Good job. You're doing great! Don't worry about what others are thinking! Don't try to validate your decision. You don't need to defend your reasons for not shopping at Target or FOR shopping at Target. You need to parent your unique children that God has given you in the way that you and your husband feel the Holy Spirit is leading you to. We can't possibly cover everything. There's too much. But God's grace is sufficient for you! His power is made perfect in our weakness! (2 Corinthians 12:9)  Don't lean on your own knowledge... Lean on His. He will direct your paths... He will show you how to parent. (Proverbs 3:5&6)

 

Your children want your love and respect! Base your decisions off of what shows love and respect to your children and what honors God.

One of my favorite things about God is how unique His creation is! Even the snowflakes are different! How much more so are His best creation? We are each uniquely designed, which means we are raising little humans who are also unique and God has equipped you to parent your children, biological or adopted. He saw them before they were even in the womb, He knows them. He knows. Trust Him. And then take your steps. Parent in love. Offer and seek advice from trusted sources, and then weigh and measure for your own unique family. 

And don't get your yoga pants bunched up over things that don't matter....

You Will

I watched as the man stood up in church to give his testimony. I've heard several already in the past 4 months. Which is amazing and I am thrilled for those people! Jesus heals. Jesus saves. Jesus can come in and clean up your mess if you allow Him!

As I sat there listening, I heard a voice in my own head, one I'd been hearing for awhile but didn't realize had been there, lying to me. "Not you. You don't get a testimony like that. Mental and Emotional issues don't get a testimony. Sure, maybe you'll get better one day than you are now... but you'll never really recover. Never really heal."

And in that moment, where I finally stopped ignoring that nagging voice and faced it head on, I asked "Why not? Who are you to tell me I can't be free?"

I've been living and dealing with this thought at the back of my head that I'll never get to stand up and share my testimony.I had the idea that there is no hope for those of us dealing with this very real issue. It's really never talked about in the Christian community. Because, if you are sad and depressed then you must not have the joy of the Lord. If you have OCD and anxiety, how can you be 'casting all your cares on him'? Christians are not allowed, it would seem, to struggle with mental and emotional health. But we (Christians) can have cancer and still be allowed to be called Christians. We can deal with infertility. We can have marriage struggles. We can face addictions such as gluttony or gossip or even have a past with drugs and alcohol abuse. But heaven forbid we have mental health issues. Because that is a sure sign that you are truly not a Christian. After all, if you really had accepted Jesus.... you would be happy and thankful for everything all the time! Right?

Wrong. Unfortunately, sin came into this world and one of the many consequences of sin is mental and emotional health. And sadly, one of the things that makes these particular issues even more difficult to deal with is isolation. And Satan knows this. So he spread a rumor in the Christian community that mental and emotional health aren't to be discussed. In fact, he spread the rumor that it's shameful and 'unfaithful' to deal with these things. He went a step further and zeroed in on warriors and mothers. Let's give soldiers PTSD and depression... so that those who have protected and served can deal with voices and guilt in their heads. So they see over and over the things they've had to do to protect loved ones, to protect their country. Where what they've seen from the enemy, consumes their sleepless nights. So they are rendered useless. Let's give the mothers anxiety and anger issues, depression and OCD so that they feel unworthy and overwhelmed at the beautiful gift of motherhood. Let's give the nurturer of the human race morbid thoughts and then make her feel shameful for a thought she never put there or wanted in the first place. Let's render her useless.

I'm here to shout boldly from my rooftop... that it's normal to have a human issue. And you WILL have your testimony. Keep following after the very heart of God. Seek Him. Put His Word in your heart. Speak life. Press on.

Mental and Emotional health issues make the best kind of testimony, in my (probably biased) opinion... because the battle isn't seen as much. It's harder to talk about. It's harder to get help for. Shoot, it's hard to find proper help professionally, especially in a religious setting. But you have been redeemed! God sent His only Son to die in your place and defeat your sin. To defeat your death. By rising again. So you may have life and have it abundantly. Because of this, we can press on towards healing, in whatever form that is, with whatever struggle you are dealing with.

My testimony isn't finished. Not until I see those 'pearly gates'.... but I'm incredibly thankful that I can share my testimony in the midst of making it and walking through it. Someday, I hope to stand in front of crowds of women, giving them hope that they too will beat their own demons. Through Jesus Christ.

It is my sincere hope that this post speaks to you wherever you are today. Whether you're past your prime or are a new mom or a teenager. Don't let Satan have your testimony. Don't be ashamed of the sins and pain you've walked through and come out the other side victorious. Give all glory to God, who saved you. You are His child. He wants you to tell everyone what you have learned. He wants you to use your unique story to bring others to a saving relationship with Him! There are people that only you can reach! Someone with an alcohol addiction or who has had an abortion doesn't want to listen to me...because I have NO clue what that is like to walk through and deal with! I won't even pretend to.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10


*Please know that I am by NO means saying that anything other than mental and emotional health issues isn't a big deal. It is. And it's hard to deal with. You can have your testimony too. I just want to focus on this issue in particular because it doesn't really get a lot of recognition, and if it does, it's usually recognized improperly.