The subject of modesty has been a well discussed topic throughout my life, and my husband and I have often discussed what we expect of each other and from our children on this issue.
Here are a few thoughts I have on this controversial, but important topic:
First of all, I want to make it clear that I am not here to tell you what you can or cannot wear... because I am not God. But I would like to make you aware of some things and hopefully get you thinking...
Your body represents God and yourself. What you put on it (or don't) is a representation and reflection of that. Choose wisely how you want to be seen.
Ladies, you were created to be the most beautiful creature on earth! Listen to me very closely, it is perfectly wonderful for you to BE just that. But please don't waste your beauty, God's creativity and exquisite masterpiece, by hiding it with frumpy clothes or with revealing clothes. You don't have to be a fashionista or wear something that isn't "you" to get attention or hide from attention. You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) by the same God who designs each sunrise and sunset, Who created the majestic mountain tops and the flowing rivers. The same God who made the regal and fierce tiger and the glorious and breathtaking horse. And yet, YOU are the one meant to be the most beautiful and captivating. And, just to make it clear, we are actually talking about your outward beauty here. To hide your beauty, whether that means you cover up in potato sacks and wear your hair in a tight bun and refuse make up OR you wear something skin tight that cuts too low and rides up to high...both of these examples are a sad waste of your beauty! Yes example #1 was more modest, but she is still hiding herself. And example #2 is selling her body for attention and is also hiding her true self.
Modesty is a difficult thing to draw a fine line on. It isn't as black and white as your momma makes it out to be. According to certain sects of the Islamic faith, an Amish woman is immodest! According to the Amish community, skirt/turtleneck women are immodest! According to skirt/turtleneck women.. my jeans and t-shirt are immodest! You get the idea. So saying ONE idea of modesty fits all is just false! 100 years ago, modesty in America was COMPLETELY different than it is now. A lot of this is due to sexualizing and objectifying women and women thinking they've got to sell out in order to reach their dreams and get a man. Culture defines a lot of our view of modesty. There are tribes where the women (and men) wear next to nothing... and its not a big deal to them because they haven't turned women's bodies into THINGS. I'm not saying that we should all be wearing loin clothes and beads over our boobs... I'm just making the point that culture and religion play a big part in whether something is modest or not. So before you go off and point fingers at the 18 year old wearing a skimpy bikini...please take note that she was most likely raised different than you and maybe you should take the initiative to be her "big sister".
A matter of the heart. That's really all this topic is. 1 Peter 3:3-4 "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." This verse....Oh, how many times I've been slapped over the head with it. For a long time, I thought it meant "you can't be pretty. it's wrong to be attractive." But I always had the thought "then WHY did God make women beautiful? Is it a curse?" Then I read the book Captivating and some things began to click. My beauty is a gift. A gift to me. A gift to my husband. and even a gift to the world. Admit it, we all like to see that picture perfect model in that super cute dress! Not in a creepy or sexual way, but a beautiful woman..is a beautiful woman. So then, what is this verse saying? It is not saying "make sure to try and hide your outward beauty!"...God is saying "your body isn't a thing. Use it to represent who you REALLY are. Not to get what you want or to hide."
25 year old Kate, in the summertime, usually dresses in tight fitting shorts that are basically jean underwear while wearing a flowy, sheer, cropped top. Guys and girls look at her and think "she probably likes to party, drink, and have sex." That may or may not be true... but it is the impression that she is giving off... that she is care free and looking for someone, anyone...to "love" her. Now, Kate has a job interview.... She is probably going to wear clothes that represent her, and not what she wants, to her interview. A nice pair of black dress pants with a cute and fitting blue top. This isn't how she normally dresses.... this isn't who she "is", right? The thing is... when going in for a job interview or something similar, we want them to see what our skills are and what our personality is...not how hot our body is and what size our boobs are (unless you're just gross and have no morals.)
What I'm getting at here is that you should be dressing as how you want to be known, not as how you want to be seen! And keep in mind that you wear your attitude. I have seen 2 girls in the exact same outfit. Outfits that covered everything and didn't draw the eye. But one girl was modest and the other was immodest. How? Immodest was giving sexual body language...eve in the way she was speaking and the words that came out of her mouth said "I'm easy." Similarly, I have seen two girls wearing the same bikini.... but I didn't notice one's body but the other was making it blatantly obvious that she needed attention. Do you see what I'm getting at? For the most part, it's not about the clothes! It's what you do with them!
Now let's talk a bit about guys and modesty. Frankly, I don't think the issue of modesty is addressed NEARLY enough with men. And not "don't look at girls the wrong way." I mean about them personally and what they are wearing! A guy wearing a good fitting pair of skinny jeans, in my opinion, looks good! But if they are so tight that I can see "the bulge".... that is too tight and is JUST that same as a woman wearing crotch shorts. As it is for girls is the same for guys, how you dress is a direct representation of yourself and God.
The subject of the swimsuit. Men take their shirts off in swimming pools and that is generally accepted as OK and I don't really have a problem with it.... but then girls aren't allowed to wear a modest 2 piece at a pool (I do want to note that I am not a fan of skimpy bikinis but that's my personal preference)? I feel like this is an example of how we, even women, sexualize women! Now, if you want to wear a one piece or cover ups, that is just fine, I am not saying it's not... but I feel that saying a woman can't show a little extra skin at the pool but guys can (even though they wouldn't walk around town without a shirt on) is just, again, making it all about a woman's body!
We put SO much focus on the body of a woman. What if instead of constantly telling our teenage daughter "guys are only looking at your boobs. guys only want one thing. yada yada yada.." we TEACH our young ladies about how to dress to represent their beautiful personalities! I would not have worn half the stuff I did after I graduated high school if I would've known HOW to dress myself instead of how NOT to dress myself. If I would've realized my beauty and not my faults. I had a season where I wore things I wouldn't want my teenage daughter to wear. But I can honestly say...I had NO idea what to wear. I wanted to be pretty. I didn't WANT to show off my body and get attention from guys. I just wanted to be beautiful and the world was telling me "wear a bikini... that makes you beautiful! wear these really short shorts...you will be beautiful! get skinny, then you'll be beautiful!" LIES. If you don't tell your daughter the Truth and allow her and SHOW her how to be beautiful, she will try to find it herself and her young and impressionable self will naturally go look for it in the world and the world will lie.
When I was around 15 years old, I asked my mom "Is it ok to be pretty?" My mom's answer was "No! it's not ok to be pretty." Now let me clear something up real quick, my mother is amazing. I love her to pieces. And a few years after this conversation occurred, I asked her why she answered that way and she was shocked that she had said that. I had asked her at a random passing moment and she had probably thought I was asking about something else. I was a child, of course I misunderstood. Nevertheless, that is what I heard: "it is wrong to be pretty." My heart had always been to obey and honor God and my parents. I never ever ever in a million years wanted to be a disappointment to them. SO...I started wearing my brothers clothes, didn't wear make up, and dressed like a slob. This had gone on a week when my mother came to me and said "What on earth are you doing? You are dressing sloppy and when was the last time you showered?!" Clearly I had misunderstood her, but oh my gosh I was so confused. So I showered and wore clothes that fit and were mine. But they were still plain and boring and I still didn't wear make up or do more than brush my hair and pull it up in a pony. My rule of thumb was "Be clean but blend in." This lasted until about 17. Then I incorporated make up and maybe wearing my hair down sometimes and trying to match my clothes better. At 18, I got really upset at my mom and dad. I was tired of trying to "make them happy" while I was miserable so I said "screw this! I'll dress how I want!" And I did. I got married and still dressed that way. Seeking attention, quite honestly, because I thought I was undesirable. No guy had ever asked me out. And I thought the only reason my husband had was because I was finally showing some skin. Jeff saw through all my hurt and confusion. He had seen me through all of my awkward phases. We met when I was 11 and got married when I was 20. He saw the darkest side of me. And loved me anyways because he was the only person who knew my true heart. That I desperately wanted to love God and love people. My clothes didn't say that. Not when I was trying not to be pretty and not when I was showing off my body. But he knew. And through his love and taking me to (THE BEST) church where I knew God in a way that had never been shown to me, I healed and am healing from the hurt of feeling unlovely and undesired. From the need for attention by whatever means possible. I no longer need to show off my body OR hide it. I am who I am and I don't have to think about if something is modest or not because now I naturally choose clothing that honors God and my husband AND myself.. clothing that represents me: a mommy, a wife, creative, and someone who desperately wants to show God's love to the hurting people of this world. I don't always get it right, but that is OK.
My husband grew up with very little hygiene and no fashion sense. He really just didn't care that his shirts had holes. He started caring when we were dating but a ratty pair of jeans and a shirt without holes was his version of dressing up. My husband deployed to Afghanistan last year (2013). While there, he realized several things and began praying a seeking God and really started becoming that man God designed him to be. He became passionate about hurting people. He got excited to go into ministry and get really involved at our church. When he came home... he decided he wanted to be better dressed. So we bought him nice jeans that fit. We bought him really nice shirts and shoes. We found a haircut with a style he liked. And he started working a lot on his personality and how he talked with people. He wanted to represent God and the man God had wanted him to be. Because of this change of heart, it created an outward change of appearance. I have watched him become an incredibly bold and gentle man who pays more attention to the needs of the people around him. I have seen him grow spiritually and in maturity. People have begun to comment on his skills and personality, rather than his clothing.
It matters what you wear and what you look like. Have you been hiding? Have you been flaunting? We are all different. We all have different views and opinions on modesty. But let's not judge others for what they wear. What if instead of pointing fingers and gossiping about how short her skirt is...what if we love the person and show them their true self, how God sees them. This goes with any issue really! We are all raised differently, we all have different journeys. We are called to LOVE. Not to judge. Because of God's amazing grace and love that He has for me... I can love the alcoholic. The unmarried people living together. The girl who starves herself. The homosexual. The person with anger problems. WHATEVER problem someone has, because I have problems too.... I am called to love.... not to judge. So think about that before you judge someone because of a simple matter of what they're wearing.
You are a wondrous creation. Made in the image of God. You have worth. You are beautiful.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
Proverbs 31:25 & 26
