My Darling Children,
All children are special. It's true. And in my biased opinion, you three are more special than all of them. But in my un-biased opinion... you are extra special because you have loved me through more.
Every parent has flaws and difficult circumstances that they have to work through. That is just life.
But I want to thank you, my Loves. Because you have loved me through depression and anxiety. When mommy is so deeply sad that it hurts way back in my heart, and I don't know why... and tears fall down my face.... you put your pudgy hand in mine and don't say anything, you're just there with me. When the anxiety overwhelms me and I over-react and yell at you, and you strongly stand your ground... I am proud of you; You respectfully remind me that you are a person too and I need to get control of myself. When my body aches from the severe depression and I'm a "potato", and I can't get down on the floor to play with you... you courageously play alone, or use your creativity to think up something we can play while I don't feel well. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a kaleidoscope with music that is turned up too loud while wearing a straight jacket; you see me shut my eyes tight and plug my ears to try to ground myself.... then you grab my hand and say "I want to play hide-and-seek too!" ..... Or when I feel purposeless, and I'm desperately trying to look for the Light and grab onto it, you remind me that you need me... you want me. I am the only mommy that will do; You remind me that God trusted me with you three and knew that I am the best mommy for you.
You give me courage to keep going, laughter to sooth my scarred heart, and hugs to hold on to.
I will keep growing. I will keep fighting. You are worth it.
Words can't describe how proud I am of you: Ian, my confident boy; Andrew, my compassionate one; Ivy, my piece of joy.
I love you a bushel and a peck,
Mommy
Monday, February 29, 2016
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Prejudice & Preconceived Notions
Valentine's Day 2016. Let me set the scene:
My husband and I went to downtown Tulsa to eat dinner with our church small group. We parked about a mile away from the restaurant since we really didn't want to pay $5-$10 for sketchy parking and since we were there really early and wanted to walk in the abnormally gorgeous weather. There was plenty of daylight to get there and back safely. On the walk there, people were very friendly and kind! Homeless people (there were a lot of them) were telling us "happy valentine's day" and "God Bless You". It was a pleasant walk that restored some of my hope in humanity. I mean, after all... these people had nothing and we were walking in our nice clothes and shoes to eat a nice dinner, and they were the ones waving and smiling first!
On our way home, dusk was approaching, but we still had time to get back safely to our car. The people we came across were still kind but there were many more asking for cash or cigarettes... but they were still kind about it.
At one cross walk, about 2 streets away from our car (parked at Quick Trip), we waited at the cross walk for it to signal that it was safe to walk. When the signal changed, we headed across, and the man on the opposite side started heading the direction we had come from. As we had done with everyone else, we kindly smiled and nodded a passing greeting (this is a typical Oklahoman procedure) as we passed in the middle of the cross walk. As we were stepping up to the opposite curb, this man whipped back around and stomped up to us. He was mumbling something and we assumed he was going to ask us for money or something. He threw his backpack down on the ground and warning bells started going off in my head. He slid his hands into his pockets and got up in my husband's face. #terrifying! I continued to walk (not too fast, but I also didn't want to walk back towards my husband so the guy didn't feel threatened or ganged up on) but Jeff, ever calm, said "Hey man, what's wrong?" This man, still mumbling around, suddenly shouted, hands still in his pockets (which Jeff was watching very closely), still in Jeff's face "I said, Is your comfort good enough!?"
I did not hear all this since I was too busy inwardly panicking. Adrenaline had kicked in and as I continued walking (I wanted to run!) and praying for God's presence and protection, I inconspicuously reached into my purse, got out my phone, and dialed 911... my finger hovering over the green button.
My husband, gifted with peacefulness and patience replied calmly to this angry man, "Hey man, we'll go our way; you go yours." Thankfully, he took the advice.
And that was it. The whole thing was maybe 1 minute long. I thought we were dead. This was a situation I had never encountered. Nor do I want to again! I'm so thankful my little ones were not with us!
I really don't know if this man was upset because we had nice things and he didn't...or if it was a racial prejudism. Maybe he thought that we as white Americans thought less of him because he was African-American? Perhaps it was a combination of all of these assumptions.
That man didn't know that we hold no prejudist thoughts or actions towards anyone of a different race; he didn't know that Jeff and I actually have a tight income and the clothes we were wearing were clearance items that we had bought with gift cards and hard earned babysitting money. He didn't know that my husband himself is a card-holding Native American, a race who has also faced racial prejudice. He assumed. He lumped us in with the others.
And for the first time in my life, I understood. I understood the racism that African-Americans, or anyone else of a different race has gone through in history. While I've always been sympathetic, I couldn't truly know how painful it is to have someone be purposefully mean and threatening to you, simply because of your skin color and how you're dressed. I can't even begin to fathom the pain if my children had been a target as well.
One of the things about this experience that I love is that I saw my husband show his strength like never before. He could have picked a fight. He could have said things to this man to "return the favor". He could have tried to correct him. He could have cowered in fear.
But instead, he stood his ground with respect and said something to quickly diffuse the situation. (Thank the Lord for his military training and personality).
That evening, as we do every evening before bed... we prayed. We thanked God for His protection over us. And then we prayed for our enemy. We prayed that that man would be shown the love and forgiveness of Jesus, the restoration that can be his if he will give his life to Christ. And we prayed for all of the different organizations in the area that could help him, that he would find them and get the help he needs. We also prayed that if he chooses to continue with those same hateful actions, that the people he encounters would be protected and that someone can get him off of the street so that innocent people are not hurt by him.
It saddened me that this man chose hate to "protect" his race, his pride. Love is what protects.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7~
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end ~Proverbs 29:11~
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” ~John 13:34 &35~
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you ~Matthew 5:44~
My husband and I went to downtown Tulsa to eat dinner with our church small group. We parked about a mile away from the restaurant since we really didn't want to pay $5-$10 for sketchy parking and since we were there really early and wanted to walk in the abnormally gorgeous weather. There was plenty of daylight to get there and back safely. On the walk there, people were very friendly and kind! Homeless people (there were a lot of them) were telling us "happy valentine's day" and "God Bless You". It was a pleasant walk that restored some of my hope in humanity. I mean, after all... these people had nothing and we were walking in our nice clothes and shoes to eat a nice dinner, and they were the ones waving and smiling first!
On our way home, dusk was approaching, but we still had time to get back safely to our car. The people we came across were still kind but there were many more asking for cash or cigarettes... but they were still kind about it.
At one cross walk, about 2 streets away from our car (parked at Quick Trip), we waited at the cross walk for it to signal that it was safe to walk. When the signal changed, we headed across, and the man on the opposite side started heading the direction we had come from. As we had done with everyone else, we kindly smiled and nodded a passing greeting (this is a typical Oklahoman procedure) as we passed in the middle of the cross walk. As we were stepping up to the opposite curb, this man whipped back around and stomped up to us. He was mumbling something and we assumed he was going to ask us for money or something. He threw his backpack down on the ground and warning bells started going off in my head. He slid his hands into his pockets and got up in my husband's face. #terrifying! I continued to walk (not too fast, but I also didn't want to walk back towards my husband so the guy didn't feel threatened or ganged up on) but Jeff, ever calm, said "Hey man, what's wrong?" This man, still mumbling around, suddenly shouted, hands still in his pockets (which Jeff was watching very closely), still in Jeff's face "I said, Is your comfort good enough!?"
I did not hear all this since I was too busy inwardly panicking. Adrenaline had kicked in and as I continued walking (I wanted to run!) and praying for God's presence and protection, I inconspicuously reached into my purse, got out my phone, and dialed 911... my finger hovering over the green button.
My husband, gifted with peacefulness and patience replied calmly to this angry man, "Hey man, we'll go our way; you go yours." Thankfully, he took the advice.
And that was it. The whole thing was maybe 1 minute long. I thought we were dead. This was a situation I had never encountered. Nor do I want to again! I'm so thankful my little ones were not with us!
I really don't know if this man was upset because we had nice things and he didn't...or if it was a racial prejudism. Maybe he thought that we as white Americans thought less of him because he was African-American? Perhaps it was a combination of all of these assumptions.
That man didn't know that we hold no prejudist thoughts or actions towards anyone of a different race; he didn't know that Jeff and I actually have a tight income and the clothes we were wearing were clearance items that we had bought with gift cards and hard earned babysitting money. He didn't know that my husband himself is a card-holding Native American, a race who has also faced racial prejudice. He assumed. He lumped us in with the others.
And for the first time in my life, I understood. I understood the racism that African-Americans, or anyone else of a different race has gone through in history. While I've always been sympathetic, I couldn't truly know how painful it is to have someone be purposefully mean and threatening to you, simply because of your skin color and how you're dressed. I can't even begin to fathom the pain if my children had been a target as well.
One of the things about this experience that I love is that I saw my husband show his strength like never before. He could have picked a fight. He could have said things to this man to "return the favor". He could have tried to correct him. He could have cowered in fear.
But instead, he stood his ground with respect and said something to quickly diffuse the situation. (Thank the Lord for his military training and personality).
That evening, as we do every evening before bed... we prayed. We thanked God for His protection over us. And then we prayed for our enemy. We prayed that that man would be shown the love and forgiveness of Jesus, the restoration that can be his if he will give his life to Christ. And we prayed for all of the different organizations in the area that could help him, that he would find them and get the help he needs. We also prayed that if he chooses to continue with those same hateful actions, that the people he encounters would be protected and that someone can get him off of the street so that innocent people are not hurt by him.
It saddened me that this man chose hate to "protect" his race, his pride. Love is what protects.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7~
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end ~Proverbs 29:11~
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” ~John 13:34 &35~
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you ~Matthew 5:44~
As we finished our walk back to the car, me shaking almost uncontrollably, Jeff grinning because he felt like a manly man who'd protected his woman... I looked at Jeff and said "Next time, let's just pay the freaking $5 for parking!"
I'm so glad God showed us a different aspect of love on Valentine's Day.
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