A Favorite Christmas Memory

When I was probably 5 or 6, my mom and I were out Christmas shopping and she found this really pretty collectible doll that had a wind-up thing on it that played a song and the little doll would rock back and forth to the music. "Mommy, is that going to be my present!?" "No I'm buying this for me for Christmas!" she said. That was so confusing to me. You can't buy a present for yourself because then you wouldn't be surprised on Christmas morning when you open it! That Christmas, my mom wrapped up her doll in pretty wrapping paper, put it under the tree and then opened it Christmas morning. 

For years, I couldn't figure out my mom's odd behavior. I would think about it every year and ponder why she did that. But now that I have had 4 Christmases as a mom, I finally understand why she did that. 

She was taking care of herself.

As a mom, we give and we give and we give. We are lucky if we get a full, unrushed meal... or a shower. 

So it's important for us to take care of ourselves! We can't give out anything of ourselves to our husband, our children, or others if we HAVE nothing to give out! 

Reading our Bible, taking time "off" from motherhood by getting coffee with a friend, working out, or even buying a little extra something for ourselves.... find things that pour back into you, that fill you up. 

This applies to everyone! While stay-at-home moms do especially struggle with having any time to themselves or having no routine change and dealing with the same people 24/7.....  anyone can commit too much of their time to something. We need to be careful that we don't burn ourselves out. Because when we do that, we can't do what God is asking us to do: show love to others. If we are too overwhelmed and haven't taken time to ourselves we end up giving everyone the LAST of what we have... which is usually snippy and grumpy.

People deserve your best. Your family deserves your best. You deserve your best. God deserves your best. Make sure you take time to grow and encourage yourself,

Thanks Momma... for unknowingly teaching me that lesson all those years ago. Thank you for taking time for yourself so you could give me your best. <3

What are some things you can think of that your mother did to take care of  herself in order to be able to give back to you? Comment here on the blog or on Facebook! Tag your mom or share this with her as a THANK YOU!

Are You The Problem?

This past Sunday in church we had a guest speaker, Dino Rizzo. (Link to service attached at the end of this post) He talks about how our actions need to point to Christ, how we are a sample of Jesus to others (like the yummy samples in Sams or Costco), and how our actions need to be an invitation to others to join in a relationship with Jesus Christ. This is elementary to me, I've heard this my whole life. I KNOW this. But this weekend, during the message, God asked me a question, "Are you doing these 3 things for your children?"

While yes, I know my job is to love my children and raise them in a godly way .... and I know that I need to be an example to them of how we should treat others. I also know that how I am with them will directly effect their relationship with God... 

But it just suddenly hit me. Are my actions towards them pointing their little spirits toward Jesus? Are my actions giving them a sample of Jesus' love, forgiveness, kindness, self-control...? When my kids are old enough to decide for themselves if they want a relationship with God and that they want to follow His Word, will they think back to their childhood and how they were treated by their mom and feel invited towards what she had?

Or will my children see that God acts on his anger? Will they see that God is lacking in self-control? Will they see that being in a relationship with God is a casual thing and really has no relevance in their life? That it's not something they really need? 

And while I feel like I can say with confidence that they will know that I love them and that I love God and that I want them to be in a relationship with Him.... will they also feel confusion about WHO God is because of my actions? About how to be rich in good deeds (Dino Rizzo's message)? About how to treat their own children or their spouse?

If I can show kindness, patience and mercy to those outside of my home, but not to the tiny people that God has trusted me with, then I am the problem. I am what is wrong with the world.

I want to be the one the POINTS to the Solution of our messy lives. I want to be the one that shows them a SAMPLE of who God is, what He has for us here, and even what heaven is like. I want to be someone who INVITES my own children into the most amazing and beautiful relationship I have ever experienced. I want them to know the fullness of His forgiveness, His grace and mercy, His compassion and His love, just as I do.

But if I am the one, not the world, who is the problem.... what hope do they have? God trusted Jeff and I to lead these little people to Him. Trusted us to show them how go out into all the world and show that hurting and lost world the love of a Savior who died for their mistakes.

Putting these 3 things (Point, Sample, Invite) at the forefront of my mind these past few days and acting on them has helped me immensely in how I deal with the everyday things that happen around here. I will never be perfect, I won't always get it right. My children will be asked to forgive me over and over. But if they can see that I am constantly going back to Jesus, that I am constantly pointing back to Him... they will see Him and not me.

They will see HIM... and not me.

Give freely and become more wealthy; be stingy and lose everything. The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed. -Proverbs 11:24 & 25-

Parents: insert your child's name where others is at. Megan who refreshes Ian, Megan who refreshes Andrew, Megan who refreshes Ivy.... you, in return, will be refreshed. This goes for your spouse too. Even if your family believes in Jesus, why shouldn't you allow God to use you to show His love to them? 

For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the GIFT of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for each of us to do. -Ephesians 2:8-10

"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples." -Mother Teresa

(Watch Service Here: https://vimeo.com/147255741 )

Little Truth Bombs

I am a parent.

I have been parented.

I am an observer of parents.

And the thing I always notice is that children appreciate honesty. They appreciate when you explain the truth to them. They appreciate when you tell them right from wrong. They appreciate when you explain "why".  Obviously, there are times when a child is too young to know a whole truth simply because they are not yet capable of understanding or grasping a concept (sex, for example, is not an appropriate topic for a young child.). But there will come a day when they can understand some of those deeper subjects, and at that point... honesty is the best policy.

But even further than just honesty... I think humbling yourself and being honest about your mistakes is one of the greatest things you can do for your child.

My biggest downfall is my self-control. Specifically, my ability to control my anger. Being angry is OK. But my reaction TO my anger is my problem. 

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, -Ephesians 4:26

because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires -James 1:20

I fail daily at my reaction to anger. I throw giant fits that could rival a 2 year old. Yelling, slamming doors, and flinging objects. UHG.

And I hate myself afterwards! I feel such shame. God definitely deals with me over it.

But most recently, I have seen my very own actions mirrored in my 4 year old. 

Ouch.

Recently, my 4 year old, Ian, threw a huge fit over something. There was over-reacting, screaming, stomping, angry faces, and mean words. He was disciplined for it. But then when I sat down with him to discuss the "why"... 

I looked at his angry, teary face and I said, "Ian. Mommy needs to tell you something. I am sorry. I have been a bad example to you. Do I throw fits sometimes? Do I yell sometimes?" 

"...yes..."

Then I asked a question that I was a little afraid to know the answer to, "How does it make you feel when Mommy acts like that?"

"It makes me sad."

Straight to the heart.

"Well Mommy is very wrong when I act like that. I am sorry that it makes you sad and I am sorry I am a bad example. Will you forgive me? Let's both work on being better when we are angry."

Ian was surprised at the turn our conversation took, I could tell. But I saw him go from having a frustrated and angry face... to a face of peace. It gave him peace that I confessed my sin, my deepest problem, to him. I trusted him with the truth of my issues. I was honest about my downfall. I humbled myself and showed him that even mommy makes mistakes. Even mommy has to say she's sorry. Even mommy has things to fix. I'm glad I had that conversation with him.

Because a couple of days later, my boys were arguing and were being very loud and I was trying to get their attention and it just wasn't happening. So I yelled to make myself heard. Before I could go on, my new accountability partner says, "Mommy... remember, we are supposed to be kind."

What if I would have saved my pride and NOT had that conversation with my 4 year old? I would've been a hypocrite, first off. Second, he and I both would've missed a growing opportunity. And third, I wouldn't have been reminded at a later point that we are supposed to be kind.

Parents don't give their kids enough credit. Kids are little truth bombs. They like to point out the truth all the time.

 In the store: "*loudly* Mommy, you just farted!"

 At home: "Mommy you're squishy!"

 When friends are over "Did you know I can pee standing up now? Just like daddy!" 

 ...

So why not give them some truths that YOU need to hear? What is your downfall; your issue? Speak the Truth around them and those little boogers will kindly repeat it back to you when you need to hear it! Usually at the moment you least want to hear it. 

This isn't to say that you should share your darkest secrets with your children. It just means that if there is an issue that you have that your kids can see, you should probably be honest with them about it.

As real as it gets ~ Birth Story ~ Ivy Leanne

I'll admit that this post (that is 1 year in the making, but I've been specifically working on it for the past week) has been harder for me to be ok with posting. It's easier for me to share my emotions than it is for me to talk about my physical bodily functions. I wanted to be honest about how everything went down without OVER sharing. There were so many things with my first pregnancy and labor/delivery that I wasn't educated on or prepared for and I don't want to be a part of that continuing problem. I'm excited that there is so much more education and information being given on the topic of pregnancy, labor & delivery, breast feeding, and post partum than there has been in even the recent past. The following post isn't full of beauty and politeness. It's raw and it's real. And the end result is the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

Saturday evening the 25th of July...
I had been having contractions on and off for two days. Nothing consistent. Some were uncomfortable, some I had to breath through. But mostly it was just annoying.

My husband was working the church service that night so I went with him and followed him around. Keep in mind that I was 10 days overdue! So I was huge. And I looked like I was walking while squeezing a bowling ball between my knees. I saw pretty much EVERY person I knew and was trying to pretend I was fine... mostly because I just really didn't want to think about HOW pregnant I still was. I didn't want to be at home thinking about it either. So there I was, wearing the only shirt and pair of pants that still fit, waddling around my church's huge campus, huffing and puffing.

I had called my midwife's office that Saturday morning to get their opinion on when I should come in since, although nothing consistent, I was having a lot of painful contractions and had been since Friday morning. They told me that instead of waiting until I was having consistent contractions 5 minutes apart, I should come in when I had 6 per hour for 2 straight hours.

That Saturday evening when we got home, we went ahead and called my mom just so she could make the 1.5 hour drive and be there "just in case". They got to our house at about 9:30pm. We went to bed at 10:00 and I could NOT get to sleep. I had 4 contractions between 10 and 11 and then 8 between 11 and 12am. So I told Jeff that I'd like to go in just to be safe. We got to Hillcrest at about 12:30am.

I was dilated to 3cm when I got there. I walked around a bit and also sat on a Peanut Ball to help me dilate. I was checked every 40 minutes. After 2 hours, I hadn't dilated at all even though my contractions were picking up and gaining in intensity. They talked about sending me home and I about cried. I just wanted to have this baby already!!

My amazing nurse, Jordyn, said that she could strip my membranes and see if that helped get things going. I agreed. And when she checked me 40 minutes later, I had dilated to 5cm! This was at about 3am. From that point on, I progressed pretty quickly. I had Lavender Essential Oil in the diffuser in my room to help keep me relaxed. I tried to get up and move around or sit on the peanut ball, since they say that laying in bed can make contractions worse or can stall labor. Honestly though, there was no way I could get out of that bed anymore. My contractions we every 1-6 minutes for 4 hours, never consistent. Even when I was dilated to 9cm, I was still having inconsistent contractions! I had been dilated to a 9 for about an hour. My fantastic midwife, Kim Kmita got there at (I'm guessing, but wasn't really looking at the clock) probably about 6am and used some of her essential oils on me (Panaway and Valor 1; Young Living). That was a huge help in itself, but along with that, Kim was very encouraging through each contractions and didn't pressure me to start pushing or anything. She told me through each contractions to relax my face. I don't know if it was a mind thing or if it actually physically helps, but focus on relaxing a muscle I COULD control made all the difference in being able to endure.

I've heard that some women in labor have a certain word or phrase they say and stick to through contractions that makes them feel grounded, even if the word or phrase doesn't make any sense. Unfortunately, mine was "I can't do it!"... At one point, I looked at Jeff during a pretty intense contraction and angrily said "I can't do it!"... and always the peace in my storm that he has always been, he looked me square in the eyes and said "Baby, you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength." For half a second, I wanted to bite his head off... but he was right... and that gave me the courage I needed to keep going. It reminded me that I was designed for this. God made the human body so incredible and He created me to be able to have a child. (So thanks babe for reminding me of Philippians 4:13). Through every contraction, my wonderful mother would remind me to breath and I kept getting mad at her! She did nothing wrong though and I honestly did need that constant reminder. Just hearing her voice and Jeff's voice (and him holding my back or being where I could see him) grounded me and helped me focus. Every time I'd get a little snippy with my mom or Jeff I would immediately apologize. I was determined that I would NOT allow myself to be mean, even in my pain and exhaustion. Through one particularly difficult contraction, I made the "fff" sound... the beginning of an awful word. Jeff said "honey, it's ok... if that's what you need to say I'm not going to judge you." But I decided I wasn't going to use this time as an excuse to lose myself control. It's funny to me that I had better self-control over my words in that moment than I have in the past when stubbing my toe. *rolls eyes*

So at 9cm, my water still had not broken, my contractions were constant, and I was starting to throw up, my face and limbs were going numb from hyperventilation, despite my best efforts to breath, and I was getting WAY way over exhausted. So Kim asked me if I'd be ok with her breaking my water. I remember the question, I didn't answer though because I was so exhausted and didn't know how to say "No don't break my water... This hurts too much and breaking my water will make it hurt worse."
Obviously, that makes no sense! There's no turning back now! Either way it will only hurt more and more...  Finally, Kim asked again and I nodded "yes". I had to work it out in my brain that more pain would be better than constant pain. Kim had me get up and use the restroom first...that was one of the most difficult parts of my whole labor! Jeff had to hold me up because I was so light headed.
Kim broke my water (holy bleep........... that hurt.) In between a contraction, at probably close to 7am, 5-10 minutes after that, was when the urge to push started happening.

Through the first push, I threw up.... and then Jeff almost threw up! (That's one of my favorite parts of the story because he is NOT grossed out by anything.) I think it was like a sympathy throw up type of thing...and for some dumb and hormonal reason... it warmed my heart that he was that in tune with me.
Through the second push, I did something I had been horrified might happen but had never happened with my two labors with my boys. I pooped. Noooooooo! I was mortified. For real. But no one else was and I didn't have but maybe 2 seconds to be mortified before my next contraction hit and I needed to push again.

On my 3rd push, I yelled pretty freaking loud. Like amazon woman yell. Later on, Jeff was like "Oh...so it IS kinda like the movies!"... I had epidurals with both of my boys so the effort wasn't as painful with them. Part of it was because of effort and exhaustion, the other part was that she was crowning and OH MY GOSH. ow. Pretty intense.

I don't want to scare any of you new mommas... Yes it was incredibly difficult, painful and  exhausting. But I am so proud of myself for doing that. I'm so glad I did. You can do it too. And you will be so glad you did! It is such an amazing and empowering experience!

On that 3rd push, I was pushing so hard that it was pushing Ivy out too fast! I didn't even know that was a thing, but pushing a baby out too fast is something that can cause you to rip (not tear, but rip!). So my rock star midwife got pretty harsh with me "Megan. SLOW DOWN. You have got to stop pushing right now!" That kind of scared me. Because in the moment, with all of my adrenaline rushing, I thought there was something wrong with my baby. I looked at my mom, with what I can guess was a panicked face, as a laid there trying my hardest to breath but not push. Ever the momma, she reassured me that everything was ok and Kim also reassured me and explained what was happening.

So on the 4th push, at 7:24a.m. on July 26th, my beautiful, gorgeous daughter, Ivy Leanne James entered this world. 7 pounds 13 ounces. 20.5 inches. Brown hair, brown eyes. The feeling of delivering a baby is like the most relieving feeling in the world, by the way. Also, the hormones that kick in as soon as baby is this side of the womb makes for lots of tears of joy and an insane feeling of needing to protect your baby and not share with anyone.

The cord was wrapped around her body and her neck and her  poor little face was bruised and swollen from coming out too fast.
They set her on my chest. The plan was delayed cord clamping (leaving the cord intact until it stops pulsing) but because the cord had been wrapped around her neck (nuchal cord) it was only attached for about a minute before Kim made the call to cut it to make sure her brain was getting enough oxygen.

They took her to the little incubator in the room to check her vitals and all that fun stuff while I delivered the placenta. For some reason, probably from exhaustion, I felt like the placenta was more difficult to deliver than the baby. Not more painful, just more difficult.

Ivy was cleaned up. I was cleaned up. Then they brought her back to me for an hour of skin-to-skin and our first nursing session. One of the nurses was so sweet to share some of her knowledge with me since I was struggling a bit to figure it out (A post on my nursing experience for the first 3 months is soon to come).

After we'd had an hour of skin-to-skin and nursing, they moved us to the next floor up into our recovery room. I was blessed to have been the ONLY woman in labor that night and one of a very few women on the post-partum floor so all of the nurses were focused only on me and Ivy. Our nurse in post-partum was Becky, who went to our church! So that was kind of cool. My midwife requested that I be put in a room with the best view (downtown Tulsa). Have I mentioned yet how awesome she is?

That day (the 26th), a lot of visitors came, which is awesome. But I didn't get sleep, at all. Nor did I sleep that night. At around 5am on the 27th I finally fell asleep. For 10 minutes before the LAB guy came in to draw my blood! (WHO DOES THAT? Could've waited until a godly hour. Could've warned me so I could put a shirt on. That's my biggest complaint from my whole experience at Hillcrest. But oh well.) That day was filled with hearing tests and other tests on the baby (I approved the vitamin K shot for her but waited on any other shots usually given at birth and I opted out of the eye drops.) and also the pediatrician came and checked her out (he was the oddest person I have ever met, so that was... fun!). Ivy and I were in perfect health so they sent us home that evening and I was SO glad. Because it had now been 48 hours since I had slept and had been about a week since I had slept longer than an hour at a time! Ivy woke up every hour that first night at home but by the 4th night... she was sleeping through the night!!!


If I were to have another child (not in the plans), I honestly don't know if I'd choose an epidural or a natural labor. There are aspects about both that I totally loved. With natural labor and delivery, recovery was about 50 times better; I got to see what my body is capable of; All decisions were made by me or with my permission, which was not the case with my first two. But the epidural with both of my boys were done incredibly well and I could feel what was happening with my body only without pain. So no pain is always a plus. But that was about the only perk. But I wonder how different my labors with my boys would've been, even with an epidural, if I would've had Kim Kmita attending instead of my first ob/gyn. Guess I'll never know!



I hope you gained helpful information through my own birth story and that it helped you to be confident in YOUR birth plan, whatever it may be. (feel free to email me: meganljames90@gmail.com to request the birth plan I used.)

I could not have gone through this all without some very incredible people so I want to give them a huge Thank You!
First, yep you guessed it: Kim Kmita! She's an 11+ out of 10 when it comes to midwifery!
My husband, Jeff, who supported the fact that I wanted to go through with a natural labor and delivery and not ONCE during the process did he suggest medication or an epidural; he was truly supportive.
My momma, there for all 3 of my babies, and encouraging throughout.
Sonda Powell, my chiropractor (I am a huge advocate for chiropractic during and after pregnancy and for baby too)... I doubt you will find a better chiropractor than mine!


Resources used: The Husband Coached Childbirth book, The Bradley Method book, Google, Baby Center, Mommy Facebook Groups.

First Look/ Them putting pitocin in my IV to help with afterbirth

Ivy Leanne James

6 weeks later: Ivy and Kim Kmita

Daddy holding Ivy for the first time

Brothers meet Sister for the first time

Downtown Tulsa; the view from our room

flowers from a dear family friend, Tonja Colombo

1st week home; my silly girl

 The hospital gives all the mommies a cupcake to celebrate their baby's very first birthday! 

                                                                                                                                                                   

Dear Ivy,

My darling girl, you are an answered prayer to your whole family. But especially me, your momma. Your name means Faithful. God has been so faithful to give me the desires of my heart in having a little girl. I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

Love, Mommy

Becoming a New Mom... Again. "Post Partum Depression"

My third child was born 1 month ago, July 26th. My first girl, Ivy Leanne.

I've been asked several times to write my birth story. This is not that story. And while I am working on that post as well and hope to have it to you soon, I felt that this post was more important.

I'm sure that you've heard of Post Partum depression, or "the baby blues"? It is totally normal for every woman to experience these feelings on some level. It could last for a few days, it could last for months. It could just be a slight melancholy feeling or it could be in the form of full blown rage. It could be an assortment.

As some of you know, I struggled with depression as a teenager and into adulthood. When I got pregnant with my first child... my husband and I were newly married and I wasn't even 21 yet. After I had Ian, I was on cloud 9 for 2 whole beautiful, wonderful weeks. And then the crap hit the fan.

My brother-in-law moved in with us (he needed a place to live and we needed a little extra to meet all the bills), we were struggling financially... and my very best friend, my husband finally told me about his severe pornography addiction and had been lying to me for almost 2 years. While I am so glad he finally told me and got the help he needed and fixed his mistakes... it could not have come at a worse time for me. I struggled to keep my emotions even remotely in check. A few weeks later, he had to go on a 5 day work trip and a few days after he got back we went to El Paso (15 hour drive) for my brothers wedding, which we were in. I was self conscious of my mom-body and having a 2 month old and being in a hotel and still learning to be a mom and dealing with a marriage crisis. It was too much too soon. I held it together, somewhat, for a few months. When Ian was 5 months old... I could no longer keep it in. I cried every day. I didn't want to married anymore. I didn't want to be a mommy anymore. I didn't want to live anymore. I was biting my arms (dumb way to deal with it, but it was making me focus on one specific thing instead of all of the things that were weighing me down.), I was having nightmares and was hallucinating at night. I never told anyone but Jeff.

Just about the time I was going to actually agree to get help, I was suddenly better! And I soon discovered that it was because I had tons of happy hormones in my body from growing another tiny human! I was so glad to finally feel like living again and felt relieved that I was "better".

When I was about 6 months pregnant with Andrew, we learned that Jeff would be deploying to Afghanistan when our new baby would be only 4 months old. That before he left he'd have a lot of training to do and would have to be gone ON my due date to the other side of the U.S. We were living with friends at the time due to our financial circumstances and life was just very stressful. SO now we were planning a deployment, trying to find a place to live, and getting ready for a new baby while we were still getting used to being new parents to our first baby. This was not ideal, obviously, but I tried so hard to keep it together. After all, everyone expected me to. And I needed to for my husband's sake. He needed to know that I was going to be ok while he was gone. My children needed me. I was honestly doing "ok". I was just going one day at a time.

After I had Andrew, I was so happy that the depression hadn't come back. Even with the impending deployment, I was honestly doing pretty good. My husband left for Afghanistan and I was still ok.
And then month 5 post-partum hit. Friends who had promised to be there for me during deployment, who had promised to help, were no where to be found. I felt completely alone and lost. Every day the depression got worse... and I didn't tell anyone. I hinted it at a few people but wasn't brave enough to fully admit the depth of my despair. I was afraid they'd take my kids from me, the only reason I was holding on to living. I was afraid that I would become a sympathy case and no one would ever treat me the same again. It finally got so bad that I was basically paralyzed and could only perform basic parenting tasks, and even those were difficult. For the sake of my children, I told my parents. I didn't convey how bad it was to them so they didn't take it seriously at first. And I was left, because of my lack of communication, feeling even more isolated, like a freak. What would I do? I had two sweet baby boys who desperately needed me to be a complete mommy. And I just COULDN'T pull myself together.

I am a Christian. So I can only tell you how I got through this from my beliefs and convictions.

Through a series of events and relationships at church, I one day just had a realization. I had let Satan let me feel isolated. I had let Satan lie to me for years. Lies that started when I was young, but due to circumstances and hormones, they had become ugly and huge. I believed that I was unwanted by people, by friends, by my family, by my husband...and by God. I believed I was not needed and purposeless. I believed I was unattractive and that motherhood had made me even more so. I never spoke these words. But I let them fester in my head and in my heart. I was at Girls Getaway (Church on the Move women's event) and my blinders came off. I suddenly saw all my thoughts as lies and not facts. Over the next year, I put in some HARD work. I decided that medication was not the right course for me. I dove into the Bible, what God had to say about me and to me. I allowed myself to believe the things my husband was saying about me. I chose to be a friend instead of only looking for who could be a friend to me. I decided that I liked who I wanted to be.

When I got pregnant with my 3rd child, right off the bat I had to battle my thought life. I suddenly felt like an inadequate and mean mommy. Different from my first two pregnancies where I was on a hormone high, I was on a hormone low. But my pregnancy, physically, was so much better than my first two. Over-all, my pregnancy was just happier and healthy with no big life-change events happening during or RIGHT after.

After I had my sweet little Ivy, I was prepared. I was totally prepared for any raging hormones that would probably come. But they didn't!

Not until last week. Suddenly I'm losing my freaking mind.
But this time, it's ok. I know that it is OK and normal to feel this way. It isn't who I am. It's just a moment in time. This time, I know who I am in Christ. And it makes all the difference. And while I feel out of control, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, unlovely... just like the feelings I had with my first two... this time I have something different. I have HOPE. I KNOW that it will get better. I know that this is not who I am. It's just a scientific blurp. I know that God can help me through this. I know that my husband will help me through this. And I know that I have some very dear friends who will encourage and help me as well.

I know that I'm not hiding this time. In fact, I am writing a very real blog post about it instead. I know that I am not isolating myself and thinking that I am the only woman feeling this way. I know that I'm not a terrible mother. I know that I'm not a terrible wife. My feelings are just feelings... and I know that they WILL pass.

But I also, know that if they do not pass how or when I want them to, it is ok to get further help.

Dear new momma,
     Find someone that you are comfortable with. And tell them. Cry to them. Let them help you. Don't be afraid to get the help that you need. If it's just a shoulder to cry on, find a shoulder. If it's more than that, it is ok to seek professional help.


I encourage you to find 3 truths about yourself. Every time you are thinking negatively, speak these Truths. Below are some Bible verses. I pray that you would read each one out loud. Ask God to show you how each one applies to you. Dissect each word. Get out your thesaurus and your dictionary. Speak these verses over yourself. Do it EVERY. single. day. I've added a few of my own thoughts just to help you get an idea of how to study them.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear (anxiety or depression can replace this word), but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

"I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well." Psalm 139:14 (You are beautiful because God made you. You have great value.)

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7 (God is your strength... and also your shield if you'll let him be. You can trust him. Let him be your joy. Sing songs to him even when you don't feel like doing it...)

If you are not a Christian, please at least find some encouraging quotes you can say to yourself.
Some other things that I did that can help heal depression:
-Diet change. Get rid of processed foods and sugars. Research "happy foods"... juiced banana peels for example.
-Do things! learn to knit. bake. write.
-Exercise! I am horrible at working out. Like, HORRIBLE. and I hate doing it. But it will do wonders for your soul.
-Make friends and be purposeful about hanging out with them! As a mommy, it can be hard to find this time.... but invite people over that don't care what you or your house look like.
-Color. Get a coloring book and go for it. Huge stress reliever. Gets your focus on something else.


These are just some things that worked for me. Find your own groove. Turn off Netflix, put away your bag of chocolate. Look at that sweet baby. That little person is only ONE reason why you should fight your heart out to be the BEST you.



My first few years as a mommy were bleak and lonely. They hurt. My heart literally ached. I had bruises on my arms from biting myself. Headaches from stress. My dyslexia was worse. My clothing style was worse because I didn't feel like I deserved better. So many things were wrong and no one knew.

It's been about a year and a half since I hurt myself to forget about my feelings and circumstances. And that is something to be celebrated! I have lost about 50 pounds since starting this journey. I have many wonderful, true friends. My marriage is better. My relationship with my parents is better. I no longer sit on my butt all day, paralyzed by grief, loneliness or doubt.

Thank you Jesus, for taking my pain and depression and putting it in the grave with You and leaving it there when You rose again. I love you.

When you "literally can't even" anymore with pregnancy....

The date feels STAMPED on your brain. Your due date. You count down the days for months and months and everyone around you does too. The day comes! ...and it goes. and so does the next day. and the next...


If one more person asks if you're "feeling anything"... you may accidentally spit in their face. If one more person comments on YOUR body and what it looks like... heaven help them. If one more person recommends Castor oil or walking (in the 100+ temperatures! while your hips and lower back are already SO tired and sore and achy) or that you should have sex......... well then, "I'm sorry that my arm twitched and punched you in the face..." You feel like EVERY. SINGLE. conversation that you have with anyone has to do with your vagina, your boobs, or your giant belly and the baby that is still (seemingly) stuck in there! ForeeeeevvvvvER.... (Sandlot reference)
Note: Anyone reading this who is NOT currently pregnant or has never been.... it is NOT ok to do any of the above things. If you accidentally do.....come back later with an apology and food.

You feel like locking yourself in your baby's nursery (that's been ready and waiting for weeks!) and crying while you down even MORE food.


Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe the last (and added) weeks of pregnancy!


Momma, I want to encourage you. It's ok to cry. It's ok to be frustrated! And quite honestly, it is OK to speak your mind (as kindly as you can) to those who have NO problems speaking THEIR mind. This is your body! And this is your baby's body. And our amazing God created both! Your body CAN do this. Your body can finish this pregnancy, however long it may be, and it can go into labor! And it WILL. You are stronger than you think!


So today... when someone looks at you with a pathetic face and says "You must be miserable!"... SMILE! and say "Actually, I feel great!" It has a tendency to make them see that YOU are positive about this pregnancy and you don't want any "help" or "suggestions" from them!

Also, keep in mind... that people truly mean well. And they really don't know what else to say. Have mercy and understanding. Forgive. I myself have said to a dear friend who had gone past her due date, "You look miserable!" I later apologized... but in the moment I said it, I just wanted to show her that I SAW her hard work. And that I empathized with her and wanted to be supportive. Unfortunately, the thoughts I had in my head came out in the wrong words. So when someone you love makes a comment like this, keep in mind that they are doing so in love. That doesn't mean you have to let them continue to make those comments or be happy about the comments.... it just means that you need to include grace in dealing with them.

But Lord help the complete stranger who thinks they can talk about how much sex you and your husband should be having right now..........

-Staying Friends-

  We’ve been married for a short 5 years. And we still LIKE each other. In America, this is practically unheard of! Why is divorce or a miserable marriage the “norm.”?  Sure, those of you who have a few more years on us might say “Well, you just wait!”….. I’d like to make the observation that time doesn’t necessarily mean wisdom.

  5 years isn’t really a long time. But we have fit a LOT into those 5 years. We have had 5 years of happiness, heartbreak, misery, loneliness, joy and mostly change, change, change. We have moved 5 times (and how many of you know how STRESSFUL this is…?!), Jeff has helped me through SEVERE depression and anxiety, I have helped Jeff through a practically lifelong pornography addiction (3 ½ years clean, people! I am so proud of that man.), major financial stress, military deployment where he missed the first year of his 2^nd son’s life and I was a single mother of two young boys, a huge job change/trusting God decision, 2 “surprise” children early in our marriage (Let’s be honest, 5 years into marriage is when most people have their first.), being landlords, family related drama, friend related drama, self-doubt, being asked and accepting a leadership position at our church, planning and preparing for our 3^rd child (our first girl!)….. and these are just the “major” events… How many of you experienced couples know that just the day-to-day can wear on your marriage!? 

 

  All of this being said, I’d like to share with you how Jeff and I have kept our friendship throughout all of these things. For better or worse, in sickness and in health…

In no particular order:

1.       Going to bed at the same time. I don’t know why this makes a difference, but it does…

 

2.       Not assigning “rolls”… there are things that I do better naturally and vice-versa... but that doesn’t mean I can’t help with the mowing or cleaning the car or that he can’t help with laundry, dishes, or house cleaning.

 

3.       Parenting together. Neither one of us is a more or less present parent. We both love. We both discipline. We both potty train. We both put them to bed. We both kiss their owies. We both teach them about riding bikes or throwing a ball or using their imagination, we have dance parties to Disney music…

 

4.       We play together. No, literally. We play. We play silly video games. We play go-fish. We do dumb quizzes online together. We play tennis (when I’m not pregnant). We watch T.V. shows or movies together.  I’m his “guy” friend. He’s my “girl” friend. This doesn’t cancel out the need for an actual friend of the same sex, but we are mutually each other’s very best friend. Think back to when you were 7 or 8 and you had a friend that you did EVERYTHING with. And it didn’t matter what their gender was or what they did or didn’t do for you. You were just buds.

 

 

5.       We always resolve an argument before going to bed (even though, for some reason, we usually only argue right before bed… so we end up staying up late -_- ). We may not solve the problem…but we agree to disagree or at least hold the conversation for another time.

 

6.       Our relationship with each other is a bigger priority than our relationship with our kids. Our kids will move out of the house… Jeff won’t be moving out of the house and there’s going to come a time when it’s just me and him. So we keep up with date nights. Staying up for an hour after the kids go to bed. Putting our phones away when we are eating a meal. Shutting our bedroom door and talking about our day and telling the kids (who are knocking on the door or sticking toys underneath) that they need to wait. We don’t let the kids interrupt every single one of our conversations. We don’t let texts or phone calls interrupt our important conversations.

 

7.       We find things to laugh at together. Funny movies. Something the kid says. Something funny that we read on social media. Dinner gone bad (he only laughs if I’m laughing). The show, Modern Family.

 

8.       Hugs. Obviously, kissing and cuddling and sex are needed and so important in a marriage… but just a good hug is important too. Jeff’s hugs have been my favorite since I was 15.

 

9.       Dancing. Silly dancing. Slow dancing. Family dance parties. Head Banging. Zumba…..   yup. Dancing.

 

10.   Talking about your dreams, goals, fears, childhood, future, present….. even if it’s silly.

 

11.   Don’t be dramatic. Don’t manipulate. Don’t try to play a “card”.

 

12.   BUDGET. Respect the Budget. Communicate about purchases.

 

13.   Go to church weekly. And not just any church…but a church that teaches the Truth FROM the Bible. A church that loves your family. A church that loves your marriage. A church where friends and pastors are on #teamwhateveryourlastnamesis and not on #teamher or #teamhim…

 

14.   Serve. Serve something outside of yourself, your marriage and your family… TOGETHER. Serve at church. Serve at the food bank. Serve food to the homeless. Serve by helping a friend or family in need. Do it together.

 

15.   Be ok with the fact that you are two separate people. You always will be. Because if God wanted you both to be the same person…he would’ve only designed one of you. It’s ok if he doesn’t like clothes shopping or Pretty Little Liars. It’s ok if she doesn’t like football or Braveheart. Find what you do like and can stand (hobbies) about the other and do THAT with them.

 

16.   Give it up. If you watch a lot of sports and that really bothers her, then be willing to decrease the amount of time you talk about it or watch it. If he doesn’t like your girly T.V. show, be willing to not watch it. It’s just stuff. Do you want stuff or do you want relationships? But on the other hand, be open minded and willing to learn about the things they like. I don’t care to watch sports, but my husband REALLY does. I learned about football so I can watch the big games with him and have a conversation about it… and he’s become pretty invested in Pitch Perfect.

 

17.   Hold them to a higher standard (not impossible) and don’t get offended when they call YOU out. Be approachable and willing to fix your own issues and not just theirs.

 

18.   Talk. Communicate. Dialogue. Listen.

 

 

 

  And from my husband (he didn’t look at my list.). I asked him to text me the top 5 things he thinks we’ve done to keep up our friendship. So some sound like repeats of mine. Consider them our “most important” tips.

1.       Taking interest in some (doesn’t have to be all) of each other’s likes and hobbies.

2.       Seeing the value of having hobbies APART from each other.

3.       Having mostly all mutual friends who will only build up our opinion of each other, not tear it down.

4.       Hanging out and having fun in non-romantic ways. Dating builds love, but hanging out builds ‘like’.

5.       Constructive criticism. That way, we can be open about things we dislike and we don’t let them fester. It is also of great benefit to have ‘open’ arguments.

 

  I’d love to hear from you! What is something fun that you and your spouse do to stay friends?

  Maybe you and your spouse aren’t friends.  I hope this post gave you some ideas on how you can start the process of building your friendship back up.

 

"How to Friend"

I've read books on the subject. Listened to countless church services that have touched on it or gone into depth on it.. I've read what the Bible has to say. I've listened to talks from my mom, my husband and even FROM my friends throughout my life. I have personally been in some friendship relationships and have helped others with their friendships....

By that first paragraph, it looks as if I have quite a resume on "how to friend". I should be an expert or something right? Nope. I've examined my relationships. I've examined both myself and the person I am friends with. But I haven't been able to figure out why on earth it feels like constant work and competition to stay friends with anyone, no matter how much I feel like I "try". No matter how much I love the friend in the friendship.

I know that any relationship is always going to take work. Life requires action at all times. I get that. But why does it feel that a deep and meaningful friendship(s) is so hard to acquire or that having a group of buddies to hang out with is non-existent?

We know that friendship is a two sided thing. And I have very dear friends who, I know without a shadow of a doubt, love me and WANT to be friends with me and want to work on the relationship.
Maybe, though, I'm alone in the feeling that it's a constant struggle to find and keep a "kindred spirit and bosom friend" (to borrow the phrase from the book Anne of Green Gables). I'm pretty sure I'm probably not alone though.

In every friendship I have, no matter how good it is... I am constantly having an inner conversation with myself regarding the relationship with that particular person:
Do they actually like me or do they feel sorry for me? Am I annoying them? Am I interesting enough? We really are at different places in our life, maybe they wish we didn't hang out as much since we don't have as much in common? What if they find out that I'm a stay at home mom who is only 25...Maybe I won't be interesting enough anymore...(regarding someone I've just met). And a whole slew of other thoughts run through my head... it's pretty exhausting. And because of this.... I cannot relax in a relationship.

Now, there is a LOT I could go into on this subject from a biblical standpoint, but I'll save that for another time.

I've shared all of this so that I could now tell you how I am fixing this problem for myself.

I knew that I had to examine my own self and my own actions.. I need to make sure that I am being a good friend. I need to be selfless. I need to listen. I need to be there for them. But I was doing all of these things! So why was I still struggling?

My natural tendency (and please know that this is not me trying to brag) is to be constantly mindful of other's feelings and needs. So being a "good" friend, I didn't think, wasn't an issue for me. So maybe the problem was the way I looked! I was probably too fat. I probably didn't dress nice enough. Do I have bad breath? (*tests breath*) Is it my personality? I laugh too much. I say awkward things. Maybe I'm not nice. Maybe I'm not "Christian" enough...  Then I looked at everyone else... there were other people with quirks, because we all have them! So why did they have good friendships? Groups of good friends! Why wasn't I invited? Maybe I'm just one of those people that everyone forgets about? So then that would lead me in a constant circle of is it me? is it them? is it me? is it them?

Then I realized a few things.
-First off, I have some pretty great "forever" friends and I need to be thankful for and mindful of those even if we are at different stages of life... they are still my "kindred spirits". They are my sisters: Ami, Shannon and Dessa. Not actually my sisters.... but you know what I mean.
-The second thing I realized was that I was not being intentional about becoming friends with people. I was sitting around moping and "weighing" my options. There are so many people in my life that I consider my friends but you know, sometimes...as much as you love them, you can't do life with them. And I've had to learn that that is ok! It's ok to not pursue some relationships any deeper than they already are... because then it's becoming forced! And you don't want a forced friendship.
-The third thing that hit me was that I was not making myself available to BE a friend. I had lumped myself into a group where I thought I needed to find friends that fit into that group. I had formed my very own clique (of sorts). The criteria was that you had to be a young 20 something married woman with kids and had to be miserable with staying at home. Well, I make dumb groups. So then I thought, "I just need to be a more creative, fashionable, good mommy.. and then I'll fit into THEIR group"... that group didn't exist really.

So, after lots of trial and error... I am finally learning to SHUT UP. Yup! That's my advice! Stop letting your brain talk about you. Shut your brain up (aka Satan). It's lying to you! Yes, continue to examine yourself and how you can improve. But you are YOU. You are where you are! I got married when I was 20 and by 25 I have 3 kids.. that is part of who I am... and although I can't relate to someone who is 25, single and has no kids.... I can still be friends with them! What a notion! I don't have to fit some kind of category to have a friend. YOU don't have to be in any kind of category to be friends with me! If we click, we click! and if we don't ..then we don't!

One other friendship issue that I found myself in was that there was a friend who was very similar to me, close to my age with kids my kids age. I liked her, she liked me. We went to the same church. Our husbands got along. Our kids got a long. We should have been best friends from the get go! But in my opinion, we weren't. Why? Because I condemned myself for not wanting to be a stay at home mom and she loved being a stay at home mom and I thought that she might be condemning me for that! How stupid of me! I am a stay at home mom right now for various reasons, but I will not always be! That's not my nature nor what I've been called to! And I have only recently realized that this friend likes me and trusts me for ME...not for how I "mommy". We "mommy" different. But we can learn from each other. If we were exactly the same.. why should we be friends? Friendship isn't just about companionship... it's about helping each other grow. And how can we grow if we're around just our self or someone who is just like us? We will never be challenged or encouraged if we keep to ourselves and to people that are exactly like us.

So my advice on "how to friend"? Shut up and be ok with being different!

And let us consider how we may spur (sharpen; point out flaws; get real with) one another on toward love and good deeds,  not giving up meeting together (be intentional about spending time with each other), as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another (encourage with your words, your gifts, and your actions.)—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.   ~Hebrews 10:24 & 25~

Mommying Through Your Mess

I have a serious problem. I am allergic to being a mommy.

It's an odd allergy with symptoms that are different from your "typical" allergy.

Maybe you have it too... Let's compare symptoms:
-Fast Breathing Through the Nose
-Grown-Woman Fit Throwing (yelling, sobbing, locking yourself in the bathroom....)
-Muscle Twitching (clenching of fists, jaw tightening, tongue saying things you don't mean...)
-The Urge to Consume Large Quantities of Sweets, Coffee, or Pizza
-Growling and Mumbling Under your Breath


Obviously, this isn't an actual medical problem. (But I'm sure you could get on the internet and list these symptoms and they'd list a thousand ways you are probably dying) But it is a problem, and something I know I'm not alone in dealing with.

Part of the issue for me is that I enjoy when things are a certain way. I like to be in control and to have everything fit together, like a puzzle. Everything has a place. Organization and order are good things! But it goes to far when I start yelling because the little people (and the big one, my husband) don't do things exactly as I have ordered them to. I start having a panic attack when these little guys continually argue over toys and they seem to not even hear me (which usually means I yell just to be heard over them). Yeesh... not a pretty picture. How often is this you? Even if you're not a really organized person, the "mommy monster" can still be an issue for you. You HATE when you become this person. Guilt, shame, sorrow, condemnation... all of these wash over you as Satan whispers in your ear "You failed. You will never change. You scarred them for life."

How do we fix this? We pray, we read blogs, we vent.... but the issue seems to stay the same (or even get worse!)... These children are so precious to us. And we would give our very lives for them! They are gifts. And yet, we can be their biggest enemy! Even when we're trying to be on their side! How do we get out of this habit? How do we 'cure' ourselves?! We want to change... but where do we start...?

I won't pretend I'm an expert and am now totally cured of the Mommy Monster. But I have gotten better! And continually so! A few months ago, my mommy allergy reached it's all time worst. It was becoming a daily struggle for me to even enjoy my children. I had to change. I stopped blaming other's choices, I stopped blaming my circumstances. I stopped blaming my children.

I had gotten myself here. I had let my frustration and impatience take over my parenting.

But I didn't sit there and wallow in my shortcomings. There are moments where I still do, where I allow Satan's lies and judgment into my head. But, slowly, I am being healed. I am changing.

Instead of focusing on all of my flaws, I focused on what God wanted me to be. What God knew I could be. I love my children. I knew that much. So I decided to look at a Bible verse that I knew very well. You probably know it too:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I took each definition of what love is and applied it to how I was loving my children. Boy howdy... I wasn't showing them God's love AT ALL. I wasn't patient or kind, I was keeping records of MY own wrongs against them, I was easily angered.... so I prayed "God... Your word says that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13)... this isn't just a great idea that You put into your word, this is a promise. This is a fact. I need to stop looking to my own strength and look to Yours, God. I want to be a truly loving mother.. with my actions. I want to be patient. I want to be kind. I want what Your word says I can have and should be. Remind me, write it into my mind and onto my heart."

And God has reminded me. As I said before, I still have my rough moments. But every day I see progress. I have almost completely eliminated yelling! And all of the other areas are improving. 

You are not alone in your mess. You can change. You will change. But you need to stop condemning yourself and you need to bring your mistakes to God... He will take them from you and give you a clean slate. You may mess that slate up too, but bring it to Him again and again. You will find that he always forgives. And that He will give your strength to continue to change for the better if you will just honestly and humbly ask Him.

Begin Again.

   So, I love writing. In the past I have attempted to start blogging and just share from my heart and my world but mostly from my mommy brain. But I stopped because I felt like I was talking to no one. And I know people say “do it for yourself!” But… why? Why would I do that? I feel as if whatever I am doing is a waste of time if it isn’t helping or encouraging someone. As a Christian, my belief is that everything I do is for God. And what does God want from me? To love people. So if I’m writing, and no one is reading (which would mean that no one is getting help, love or encouragement from me through my writing)…. To me, it seems pointless. A waste of my time and God’s.

   So why am I here again….writing? Because I must. Maybe no one is reading this. But maybe one of you is. And you are important to me. And maybe someday in the future… there will be more of you reading.

   God gave me talents. One of them, I feel, is writing. One of my passions, is making people feel comfortable with themselves or a situation and to let them know that they’re not alone. So why not combine my talent and my passion?

   Here’s the thing: I don’t want to ask anyone to do anything just to make myself feel validated or better about myself. But I just want to ask ONE tiny thing of you…. If you read my blog posts, and in the future…if a post that you read makes you go “huh, so I’m not the only one, eh?” or something to that affect …could I ask a ginormous favor of you? Will you “like” my post or comment with an emoji or whatever… just so I am encouraged to know that I can continue writing for you?

   Ok… now that that’s over (I seriously feel like I just asked you to join my company and go door-to-door selling products)…. I will begin working on my writing.

Until next time…

 

(Feel free to scroll through my post from this past summer. Some recipes and some thoughts.)